1.4K views Oct 2008
The Onion News Network warns of dangerously mild autumn weather, citing breezes, dry leaves, playing children, active squirrels, and risky pie-eating duties.
0:12 The Northeast is being pummeled today by the first strike of what weather experts are saying could shape up to be the worst autumn on record. 0:19 For the latest on this extreme weather watch alert, let's go to weather reporter Kevin Fisher in the Onion News Network Live 365 Total Weather Coverage Super Tower. 0:26 Kevin, what are we seeing out there? 0:27 Well, Pamela, this cool air is streaming down from the north, pounding the entire eastern seaboard with severely moderate weather. 0:34 Looks awful. 0:35 It is. It's whipping up 12 to 15 mile an hour breezes, sending temperatures plummeting down to as low as 48 degrees in some areas. 0:42 We're predicting up to 2 inches of dry leaves on most lawns by the end of the month, 0:46 Hmm. 0:46 which is going to make for some absolutely brutal raking conditions. 0:50 Our U News viewers have been sending images of the leaf fall all day. 0:53 This clip comes to us from Green Farms, Connecticut. It looks extremely blustery. 0:58 Yeah, thanks for venturing outside and submitting clips, but of course, safety is most 1:01 Yes. 1:02 important. Things are going to be dangerously crunchy out there. 1:05 Sounds like it's going to be hazardous for drivers too. 1:07 Absolutely dangerous conditions. If you're behind the wheel, you should expect higher than average levels of children playing touch football. 1:13 Mm-hmm. 1:13 Stay alert for elevated squirrel activity in these cities. 1:16 Okay. 1:17 Also, be aware of the danger posed by orangey rays of autumnal sunlight glinting off duck ponds. 1:22 They can momentarily blind you. 1:23 Definitely some good advice, but what else can viewers do to prepare to make it through this autumn? 1:27 Okay, well, you're going to want to check that you've got a solid latch on your screen door so it doesn't lightly open and shut in the evening breeze. 1:33 Okay. 1:33 Check if your local government has an emergency hayride plan. 1:36 Good advice. 1:37 And last but not least, check in on elderly loved ones frequently to see if they've baked pies and need your assistance eating them. 1:42 And of course, right here on the Onion News Network is the best place people can turn to learn how to stay safe. 1:47 Yeah, that's right. If you want yourself or your loved ones to make it through this devastating autumn, weather experts highly suggest staying tuned to this channel and check our website frequently. 1:55 Always great with the advice, Kevin. Thanks for joining us. Well, coming up next in Washington, senators are demanding to receive royalties each time a law they wrote is enforced. 
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