Video player not working?0:000:000:00SettingsQualityAutoAudioSpeed1×CaptionsOffLouis Ck Talks About Having KidsDula TVFunny videos since 2008Thumbs up0Thumbs down0 Share8.4K views Aug 2009Louis C.K. shares his unfiltered and often frustrated thoughts on the realities of raising kids. Show transcript0:01It's really the kids that do you in, as a matter of fact. We have 2 kids.0:04That's fucking stupid. Don't do that because you just... It also, it base- mainly what it does to a marriage, it just changes the way that you think about your spouse.0:11Because when you- when you're married, when you first get married, you have a relationship that's so important to you, and you're working on it together.0:16But then you have a kid, and you look at your kid and you go, holy shit, this is my child.0:20She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her. And you look at your spouse and go, who the fuck are you?0:25You're a stranger. Why do I take shit from you?0:33But it's really, it's the kids that make it very hard. We have 2.0:35We have a, a baby, and I don't, I don't really know the baby, to tell you the truth, because she hasn't said anything, so I don't really know her.0:43Uh, pe- pe- I like her, she's fine, but I don't know her. How do I know what she's really like?0:48Maybe she fucking hates Jews. I don't know. I don't know nothing about her.0:56People ask about her all the time. They're like, hey, what's what's your baby like?0:59She's a fucking baby. What do you want to... You ever seen a baby?1:03That's exactly what my baby's like.1:06But what's going on with your baby? Jesus. She got fired from Target, and uh, she's getting an abortion.1:14It's been a tough year, but otherwise, you know.1:22It's not a very complicated relationship with a baby. It's just somebody I ha- I have to make not die.1:26That's really what the whole thing is. And there, I'm better at it sometimes than others.1:31Um, one time I took my daughter to the grocery store, and uh, I had to put her in the, in the stroller.1:36She won't go in the fucking cart. She's the only baby in the world that won't go in the shopping cart and sit there.1:40You try to put her there, and her, her legs curl up, and she goes, ah!1:43Fucking psycho. So I got to put her in a stroller, and I got a cart, and I'm pushing them both through the fucking supermarket.1:51And then I, okay, so I'm done shopping, and uh, and then I take, I go out to the parking lot, and I open the car.1:56First I start the car before I put them in there, because I want it to get nice and cool, because I love her, so I have to make it nice and comfortable.2:03I, look, I do, I love my children, I love my wife, I lo- I wish I didn't.2:07How awesome would that be to wake up one morning, fuck, I don't feel nothing for these assholes, and just walk out the door.2:11But so far, no such luck. So I start the AC, then I put the groceries in, then I go to get my daughter out of the stroller.2:20I got down there, and I realized that the exhaust pipe is right in her fucking face.2:23It's just fucking brrr. I'm like, fuck!2:31I almost killed my kid in the dumbest fucking way ever.2:38If she died like that, I couldn't tell her mom. I couldn't fucking go home with that story.2:42Well, I put her in the fucking, I don't know, I2:45didn't realize. Fuck you, yeah, I just fuck, I don't know. I'd have to throw her into traffic.2:50Help! You know, there's, that would be better to actually tell her that I threw her into traffic.3:00The other kid we have is, uh, she's a f- a girl, and she's 4, and, uh, she's also a fucking asshole.3:05Uh, it's true, man. I'm serious. I say that with no remorse.3:10Fucking asshole. She's a douchebag. She is. Fucking jerk.3:17The other day, I'm like, put your shoes on. We're trying to leave.3:18Put your shoes on, please. Put your shoes on. Put your shoes on.3:20Put your... How many times can you say that to somebody before you just want to kick them right in the fucking face?3:24Seriously, if you're with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can't go, you can't go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on,3:33that person is a fucking asshole, okay?3:38You don't do that to people. Imagine being with a group, hey, we can't go.3:41Why? Because fucking Bill won't put his shoes on. He just won't put them on.3:45Fuck, Bill, what's your problem? I don't want to put them on.3:48Fuck you!3:53Fucking kids suck, seriously. The other day, I'm, I walk in the kitchen, she's talking to my wife.3:57She says, uh, mama, I saw a doggy today. And I was like, really?4:01Where did you see a doggy? And she's like, I'm telling mama, not you.4:05I'm like, hey, fuck you. I'm just asking to be nice anyway. What, you think I actually give a shit about the dog you saw?4:13Like, that was going to be an awesome story that you saw a fucking dog.4:17Who gives a shit? I got better stories than you. I have an interesting life.4:22I'm on fucking television. I won an Emmy. You don't ask me what fucking happened to me today, you little bitch.4:34I didn't say that to her, obviously. But that's the thing, nobody ever calls her on her bullshit.4:40That's how she got to be an asshole in the first place.4:45Nobody just goes, ah, fuck you, you don't know.4:50I'd love to, for one day, just fucking be totally on. Oh, you drew a dog?4:54Let me see that. That's not a that's shitting me, that's a scribble.4:57That's nothing. That's not even of anything. Show me a dog that looks like that, I'll give you a thousand dollars, seriously.5:08God, fucking, oh, the other day I was just like, just dreaming about just fucking kicking her, like kicking her out a window, you know, just fucking.5:16I would never fucking hurt her, but I wanna, I do, you know?5:22One time my daughter had a black eye because, uh, she walked into a door because she's stupid, and um...5:30She had a little black eye, and I took her to ice cream. We went to ice cream place, and everybody in that ice cream place is like, give me a dirty look.5:35And I realized they think I hit her, and she has a black eye now.5:39That's why I'm taking her to ice cream. That's what they think.5:42And I was so insulted. I want to say, hey, fuck Alia, okay? She's this big.5:46You think if I hit her, she'd have a black eye? She'd be fucking decimated.5:51There'd be nothing there. Look at this shit. I would ruin her head with one punch.5:56She has no defensive skills. She fucking sucks. She'd be like just smiling at me and there'd be just fucking...6:05Just a dent there, like a fucking bomb went off.6:15I don't know, I love my daughter, but it people really don't get what it's like with a kid full time.6:19Well, you know, we, we parents make you love our kids because we dress them up and take them out, look at it, and everybody goes, oh, nice.6:25But you don't know what she's like when she comes home, the dress comes off, she fucking rubs her ass in mud.6:31She's fucking gross. She won't fucking take a bath. Like, you can't, once you have a baby, you can't force the key.6:36Fuck her, let her sleep in her clothes. I'm not dealing with it tonight.6:39Her hair gets clumpy. She stinks. Sometimes it's like fucking ugh, just fucking rancid, stinky fucking kid.6:47She fucking, in front of people, she like s- scratches her asshole in front of people, like fucking deep asshole scratching in the fucking panties, and then she smells her finger.6:56That's the kind of person I'm talking about. She's disgusting.7:05The other day I come home and she's just laying on the carpet with just spread eagle naked, and she's just stretching her vagina open, going, ah, just fucking, fucking holding it open.7:16I'm like, fuck, shit, okay.7:20Wow.7:23That's wow.7:27Don't react. Yeah, I can't, I can't go, ah, I can't do that.7:31That'll fuck her up. Let's go, hello. Hi, how are you?7:38Hi, how's school? Okay.7:49I don't know what the fuck to do about it either, because she does it all the time, and I can't, I don't want to stop her, because you know what?7:54She's happy. That's the happiest I've ever seen any person in my entire life.7:59That's a fucking human being at their happiest, just rah. That's what we all wish we could do.8:03We should all be doing that, but...8:07we gotta fucking stop it, though, because she'll be fucking homeless if she doesn't cut the shit.
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