Louis Ck Talks About Having Kids

It's really the kids that do you in, as a married. We have two kids, that's fucking stupid, don't do that. Because, you just... And also it, base mainly what it does to a marriage, it just changes the way that you think about your spouse. Because when you're married, when you first get married, you have a relationship that's so important to you and you're working on it together. But then you have a kid, and you look at your kid and you go, holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA, she has my name, I would die for her. And you look at your spouse and go, who the fuck are you? You're a stranger. Why do I take shit from you? But it's really, it's the kids that make it very hard. We have two. We have a baby, and I don't, I don't really know the baby, to tell you the truth, because she hasn't said anything, so I don't really know her. Uh... I like her, she's fine, but I don't know her. How do I know what she's really like? Maybe she fucking hates Jews, I don't know. I don't know nothing about her. People ask about her all the time, they're like, hey, what's, what's your baby like? She's a fucking baby. What do you want to... You ever seen a baby? That's exactly what my baby's like. But what's going on with your baby? Jesus. She got fired from Target and uh, she's getting an abortion. It's been tough here, but otherwise, you know. It's not a very complicated relationship with a baby. It's just somebody I have to make not die. That's really what the whole thing is. And there, I'm better at it sometimes than others. Um, one time I took my daughter to the grocery store and I had to put her in the, in the stroller. She won't go in the fucking cart. She's the only baby in the world that won't go in the shopping cart and sit there. You try to put her there and her, her legs curl up and she goes, 'Ah!' and she's a fucking psycho. So I gotta put her in a stroller AND I gotta cart, and I'm pushing them both through the fucking supermarket. And then I, okay, so I'm done shopping and uh, and then I take, I go out to the parking lot and I open the car. First, I start the car before I put them in there because I want it to get nice and cool, because I love her, so I have to make it nice and comfortable. I, well I do. I love my children. I love my wife. I love... I wish I didn't. How awesome would that be to wake up one morning, 'Fuck, I don't feel nothing for these assholes' and just walk out the door. But so far, no such luck. So I start the AC, then I put the groceries in, then I go to get my daughter out of the stroller. I, I get down there and I realize the exhaust pipe is right in her fucking face. It's just fucking, 'brrr...' and I'm like, 'Fuck!' I almost killed my kid in the dumbest fucking way ever. If she died like that I couldn't tell her mom. I couldn't fucking go home with that story. 'Well, I put her in a, fucking, I don't know, I didn't realize.' Fuck you! Yeah, I just, fuck, I don't know. I'd have to throw her into traffic, help, and that, you know, there, that would be better. To actually tell her that I threw her into traffic. The other kid we have is uh, she's a, uh, girl and she's four, and she's also a fucking asshole. Uh, it's true, man. I'm serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole. She's a douchebag. She is. Fucking jerk. The other day I'm like, 'Put your shoes on, we're trying to leave.' 'Put your shoes on, please.' 'Put your shoes on.' 'Put your shoes on.' 'Put your, how many times can you say that to somebody before you just want to kick them right in the fucking face? Seriously, if you're with a group of people that are trying to go somewhere and you can't go, you can't go because a member of your party just refuses to put their shoes on, that person is a fucking asshole, okay? You don't do that to people. Imagine being with a group, 'Hey, we can't go.' 'Why?' 'Cause, fucking, Bill won't put his shoes on, he just won't put them on.' 'Fuck, Bill, what's your problem?' 'I don't wanna put them on.' 'Fuck you!' Fucking kids suck. Seriously, the other day I'm, I walk into kitchen, she's talking to my wife. She says, uh, 'Mama, I saw a doggy today,' and I was like, 'Really? Where did you see a doggy?' And she's like, 'I'm telling Mama, not you.' I'm like, 'Hey, fuck you! I'm just asking to be nice anyway.' Well you think I actually give a shit about the dog you saw? Like that was going to be an awesome story, that you saw, fucking, dog. Who gives a shit? I got better stories than you. I have an interesting life. I'm on, fucking, television, I won an Emmy. You don't ask me what, fucking, happened to me today, you little bitch. I didn't say that to her, obviously. But that's the thing. Nobody ever calls her on her bullshit. That's how she got to be an asshole in the first place. Nobody just goes, 'I fuck you, you don't know.' I'd love to for one day just, fucking, be totally on. Oh, you drew a dog? Let me see. That's not a, that's, shit, I mean, that's a scribble. That's nothing, that's not even a, anything. Show me a dog that looks like that, I'll give you a thousand dollars. Seriously. God, I, fucking, uh, the other day I was just, like, just dreaming about just, fucking, kicking her. Like, kicking her out a window, you know, just, fucking... I would never, fucking, hurt her, but I want to, I do, you know. One time my daughter had a black eye, because, uh, she walked into a door 'cause she's stupid. And, um, she had a little black eye, and I took her to ice cream. We went to ice cream place. And everybody in that ice cream place was like, giving me a dirty look. And I realized they think I hit her. And she has a black eye now, that's why I'm taking her to ice cream. That's what they think. And I was so insulted. I want to say, 'Hey, fuck all you, okay? She's this big. You think if I hit her she'd have a black eye? She'd be, fucking, decimated. There'd be nothing there. Look at this shit. I would ruin her head with one punch, easily. She has no defensive skills, she, fucking, sucks. She'd be, like, just, smiling at me, and, 'pow'. There'd be, just, fucking... Just a dent there, like a, fucking, bomb went off.' I don't know. I love my daughter, but it, people really don't get what it's like, with a kid full-time. When, you know, we, we, parents make you love our kids because we dress them up and take them out. Look at it, and everyone goes, 'Oh, nice.' But you don't know what she's like when she comes home, the dress comes off. Fucking, robs her ass in mud. She's, fucking, gross. She won't, fucking, take a bath. Like, you can't, once you have a baby, you can't force the kid, fuck her, let her sleep in her clothes. I'm not dealing with it tonight. Her hair gets clumpy, she stinks. Sometimes it's like, fucking, ugh, just, fucking, rancid, stinky, fucking kid. She, fucking, in front of people, she, like, s- scratches her asshole in front of people. Like, fucking, deep asshole scratching in the, fucking, panties, and then she smells her finger. That's the kind of person I'm talking about. She's, disgusting. The other day, I come home, and she's just lying on the carpet, with, just, spread eagle naked, and she's just stretching her vagina open, going, 'Ah!' Just, fucking, holding it open, and I'm, 'Fuck! Shit! Okay.' Wow. That's, wow. Don't react. I can't, I can't go, 'Ah!' I can't do that, that'll fuck her up. Just go, 'Hello, hi, how are you?' 'Hi, how's school? Okay.' I don't know what the fuck to do about it either, 'cause she does it all the time, and I can't, I don't want to stop her, 'cause you know what? She's happy. That's the happiest I've ever seen any person in my entire life. That's a, fucking, human being at their happiest, just, 'Ah!' That's what we all wish we could do. We should all be doing that, but, we got to, fucking, stop it though, 'cause she'll be, fucking, homeless if she doesn't cut the shit.