Demitri Martin Flip Chart And Art

So this is a large pad. On this pad I have data from the last year. These are findings. So I'd like to get into that. Okay. Let me start with a simple chart. Okay, this is pretty simple. This is how short the person is versus how drunk the person is, and this line is how funny it is. You see the shorter and more drunk the person is, the funnier it is. This up here would be like a midget or a small child who is very drunk. Here this guy is like 6 foot and he is just like buzzing, it's like no. But here we have a dwarf who's about to take a dive off a chair. Can I get this man another shot? Maybe some whiskey in the thimble? Okay. Breakdown of Hummer owners. Tough guys, 43%. Pricks, 27%. Douche bags, 15%. Dildo's, 14.99%. Poets, 1%. Tough guys coming in 43% of the owners. Pricks are 27%. Douche bags are 15%. Now dildo's are almost 15%, and this is interesting because I never had to pluralize dildo before. I don't know if that's right. It looks like dill-does. And I hope I never have to again, like in a deposition or something. How many dildos were there? I don't know, but I'm sore and I want to go home. How funny I find farts (location). School's pretty funny, church is funnier. My face isn't funny at all, that's negative. My brother's face is off the charts though. Scuba, I'm not sure. It depends, like if you can see the bubbles come out of the wetsuit. That's pretty funny because, haha, we have a man punishing fish somewhere in the distance. Very nice. Actually it's probably funnier if you can't see the bubbles come out. Because you see a guy swimming and all of a sudden he starts to struggle in his own air supply. Must stop farting into own nostrils. Never tacos before scuba. Flowchart of clowns. Circus, annoying. Birthday, sad. One that's just around is creepy. But if any of them get hurt, it's funny. The saying that goes people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Okay. How about nobody should throw stones. That's crabby behavior. My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation. I'll do it. There is one exception though. If you're trapped in a glass house and you have a stone, throw it. Are you an idiot? So really it's only people in glass houses that should throw stones. Provided they are trapped in the house with the stone a little longer, but you know. Pony tail locations. Okay. Pony's ass, O.K. Back of dad's friend's head, not O.K. Mostly because of this area right here. This isn't helping this. That's not good. This is a pie chart about procrastination. Okay, this is very autobiographical. This is the cuteness of the girl versus how interested I am in hearing about how intuitive her cat is. You see the cuter the girl is, the more I'm willing to hear about the cat. Oh really? Yeah, he's very intuitive. But you'll notice that at a certain point, I don't care how cute you are. I don't want to hear about your cat anymore. I hate your cat. When I leave the room I try to get it. This is my ability to draw mountains over time. I learned something on the road, traveling around. State shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell out of there. You got to move to a squiggly area. Culture is attracted to squiggles. Those that see the glass half full are considered optimists. Yeah. But shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If the glass is, I'm going half empty. I don't like it as an optimist. Yeah, it's like a half empty glass right here, so don't worry about it. Baby blood, that's even more complicated. Is this blood going to a baby or coming from a baby? It's to a baby, yeah, we got a half full glass of baby blood here, it's going to be fine, there's a half, don't worry about it. From a baby, okay, hold on, it's a half empty baby blood glass. Don't ask me why I collected the blood in a glass, just listen to what I'm saying. Finally, pillow fights. Okay. Man vs. woman, fun. Man vs. man, gay. Woman vs. woman, awesome. Man vs. pillow, crazy. Pillow vs. pillow, crazy awesome. That's a real pillow fight right there. If you see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting and I was like, this is a pillow fight ahead of time. Art. Flightless bird (by choice). Balloon animals I can make (snake, worm, eel, dog that has been in some sort of accident). Change machine, stay-the-same machine. Cyclops wearing sunglasses. Great wall of China, O.K. wall of China. CD or boob (either way, don't scratch). Love triangle, hate rhombus, like-as-a-friend trapezoid, complete strangers lines. Siamese sharks. How to be a bouncer (1. Be an asshole, 2. Stand near a door). Where's Waldo? Ship in bottle, captain of ship in bottle. Skull & crossbones (when he was still alive). Swan fart. Game set match = tennis, set match run = arson. Good for companionship or soup. Soft ball, softer ball. Star fish, Jewish star fish, really Jewish star fish. Sports fan, date rape fan. M's at sunset. Self portrait (from a distance). Love, in love, really in love. Tiny helicopter shot.