Ed Byrne Bed

It's it's just ridiculous how easy it is to start an argument when you're buying stuff for a house. Like I bought us a bed, which I thought she'd be delighted with because it's a huge bed. I I went and I got us this super king-size bed, right? It's an enormous thing. You could easily fit three people in this bed, and that was all I said to her. I love that bed as well. I love I love I love bed though. Bed is just fucking great, isn't it? Oh yeah. So, let's hear it for bed. Bed just rules. That's just. Yes. Don't you feel like your whole life is just a series of distractions designed to get you out of bed? Oh, yeah. Anything you ever do that wastes your time, you think, I could have been in bed the whole fucking time. You show up for meeting the other guys late, you're there going, that's another five minutes I could have had in bed, you bastard. I love bed. It's so hard to get out of bed. Like my my bed's from IKEA. That's where I bought it, which I think is quite fitting really, because beds themselves are quite like IKEA in that they're very easy to get into, fucking difficult to get out of. Because it is, it's so hard to get out of bed. Like, say you're going to get up for something, whatever it is. You've got a doctor's appointment, a job to go to, a train to catch, whatever it is. So the night before, you work out how long it's going to take you to get to where you got to go. Work out how long it's going to take you to do everything you got to do before you get there. You work everything out the night before with military precision, and you set your alarm clock accordingly. Next morning, alarm goes off, all of a sudden, you reassess. Reassess in a, dare I say, slightly more optimistic fashion. Suddenly your life's very streamlined. Suddenly it's like 10 minutes in the shower, that's just indulgent. 15 minutes for breakfast, breakfast is for losers. Two minutes to brush my teeth, I brushed my teeth before I went to bed. How much dirt could they have gotten while I was asleep? Dreaming about chocolate doesn't count. And after about eight or nine presses of the snooze button, you've actually you've actually become Superman. Like, I could be out of bed and in work 5 minutes fast. Fuck the bus, it's too slow anyway. I hate it when you reach that stage though where it doesn't matter how elastic time has become in your head, you know, it kind of like snaps back into place and you suddenly realize now you're late, you know. You're not just knackered, now you're in a hurry as well, and your snooze button's calling to you. It's going to argue on pressing me again. Come on, you're late now anyway, you may as well enjoy yourself. Come on! Who's that boss of yours telling you what time to get up? Who the man? You the man. Come on, press me again. Can't press snooze again though. And it's normally around that stage that you suddenly discover a sleeping position more comfortable than anything you've experienced in your life before. Where has this sleeping position been all my life? How must one with the bed? And that's when you got to get up. You can't press snooze again. You can't afford another 9 minutes, so instead, you turn off the alarm clock to show your commitment to the getting up process. So that's the alarm off now, because that's me getting up now. Getting up any minute now. I'm just going to have two more minutes. Two more. Why are you trying to torture yourself? You can't even enjoy those two more minutes, because you know now, you're the sleep gambler. This little test of your own willpower to start the day. Let's let's just see how long I can just hover on the very edge of sleep without actually going back to sleep. I hate it when you're lying there and you know you got to get up and you know you've turned your alarm off so there's nothing going to make you get up and you just sort of lying there in a half-awake, half-as- half-half-awake, half-asleep sort of state, and then suddenly you start to dream that you've gotten up and gone to work. Oh, that's an evil trick for your subconscious to play on you, isn't it? What did I ever do to you, brain, to deserve this treatment? You're on a you gotta get up now, I got up. There we go, getting up. That was much easier than I thought it was going to be. Get the shoes on, then the pants. That works fine. Have a bit of breakfast. Oh, thanks, Dad, for making me breakfast. You don't even live in this country. That was very kind of you. What's for breakfast this morning? Hmm, candy floss and roller skates, my favorite. I think I'll toddle off to work now in me magic cloud. It's a very pleasant way to go to work, the magic cloud. Hang on, I don't own a magic cloud. Oh, fucking still in bed.