1.6K views Sep 2008
A student delivers an irreverent valedictorian campaign speech, mocking school traditions and promising a memorable graduation address to win the class vote.
0:02 All right, there's Emma, and Brandon's very eager to please here. 0:06 So Brandon Rosario, welcome. 0:12 Quiet. Hey, quiet, okay. I only got like 3 to 5 minutes, apparently, right, caller? 0:17 5? Okay. Take a deep breath. 0:27 Listen. 0:29 Do you hear that? That's the sound of your frontal cerebral lobe processing thought. 0:37 You're thinking, and believe it or not, I know what you're all thinking about. 0:41 You're thinking about the same crucial problem that's probably floating around in the collective unconscious of every person in this room. 0:48 There's probably a few of you cynics out there saying to themselves, the hell does he know? 0:52 He doesn't know what I'm thinking. I had a completely normal day, and I believe you. 0:57 You probably woke up this morning, had a bowl of cereal, made some toast with, uh, Nutella on top. 1:03 You know, girls, brushed your hair, put on some nice clothes, you know, look at yourself in the mirror for a little while. 1:10 Guys, watched Sportsnet till quarter to 9 and then went off to school. 1:15 Even the cafeteria kids thought they were having seemingly normal mornings, and they were putting on their leather army boots and painting their faces like dead clowns and saying quick prayers to Satan. 1:28 It probably took each and every one of you up until now to realize you had this burning sensation in the pit of your stomach. 1:34 Do you feel it now? That's the problem. It's not AIDS. It's bigger than AIDS. 1:41 It's the feeling of general concern from me in my pursuit of the valedictorian nomination. 1:48 Because let's face it, I don't really have a lot going on for me as far as credentials. 1:52 For one, I'm not Jewish. So I'm not going to be naturally hilarious like Adam Sandler or Jerry Seinfeld or, you know, Jon Stewart. 2:02 If they were running, they'd probably get the vote just based on that stupid ethnic stereotype by itself. 2:07 And on top of that, as far as I'm aware, I don't have an incurable disease, so I can't play the sympathy card on you guys. 2:14 Wayne Gretzky isn't coming to my house and autographing my things, so I must be done. 2:21 And another thing, I'm not a, uh, Magic Colombian. I can do a damn good impersonation of one, but I want to make this very clear, I'm not. 2:32 If Harry Potter and some woman named, I don't know, Maria Fernando Diego Martinez had a child, I would not be that child. 2:45 Uh, what else? I'm not an openly gay, free-spirited animal activist or the survivor of some life-altering near-death experience or a bootylicious full-breasted black woman who can just seduce you into voting for me by shaking my honeys around. 3:00 Oh, stop. And while I'm on the topic of seduction, ladies, I'm not Tyler Matheson either. 3:08 As you can see, I'm almost there, but not quite. 3:12 Anyways, those are a few things that I'm not, and I'll lay them right there on this podium for you. 3:20 And so I'm gonna read the next part, I guess. Yeah. I could go on all day talking about, you know, my, my, my school spirit and my commitment to everybody here, but it would be a waste of time because I'd just be lying. 3:35 You know, a couple weeks ago, I got this little pink piece of paper that said if I wanted to, I could come stand up here today in front of all of you and say I should be your voice. 3:45 You know, an opportunity for me to, to what, what is an opportunity for me to do? 3:49 Oh, I used a really small thought. Opportunity for me to 3:55 point out how great I am, how I am the most qualified individual to lead the class of 2008 into a bright new future. 4:04 But, but... 4:10 in the back of my mind, I can't help but worry that all this is going to do is put emphasis on the blind approval of some vacant, empty, middle-brow shell of a speech that we've all seen and heard before. 4:21 You all know the one I'm talking about, where the guy walks slowly across the stage like he's hot shit, and then gives everyone a brain hemorrhage with some self-satisfying, grandiose statement about life and transition, 4:31 the pursuit of true happiness. I mean, this is your school. Look around. 4:37 Look at that wall. 4:39 Look at the other wall. You know, look at the, look at the floor and the ceiling and the windows. 4:45 Look at every chalkboard and brick and blade of grass in the field. 4:49 Look at the hallways and the lights and Miss Tenhoev's awesome rack. 4:52 Look at everything. Look at everything. 5:03 Take it all into perspective before you decide which clown you want to have dancing and juggling in front of your family. 5:11 Seriously, it's a nice rack. She doesn't even teach her anymore. 5:12 Don't worry. 5:15 Look for competence and reliability. If the Liberal Party of Canada taught me anything during their half-assed, lazy excuse for a term in office, it's this: never make a promise that you can't keep. 5:26 So I'll only make you this one. If you make me your valedictorian, I promise to put every ounce of soul and dedication that I have into that speech. 5:35 Bottom line, I'll make you, I'll make you proud. 5:40 That's not it, I got more. 5:44 I'll make you proud, and I might make your grandparents vomit all over themselves in the process, but it'll wash out. 5:52 And when it does, your grandparents will take the clothes and probably put them in the dryer for 40 to 50 minutes, or maybe an hour, depending on the size of the load. 6:04 And those clothes will spin around in a circle, around and around and around and around, until they're completely dry. 6:12 And then your grandma will come into the laundry room and open the dryer door, and she'll look inside, and before she hangs anything up, she'll spray Febreze all over the puke stain so that the rest of the closet doesn't smell bad when she puts away. 6:24 I know, can I finish? 6:27 In the end, those puke-stained clothes will represent something. 6:31 I'm not really sure what the symbolism, symbolism would be right now, but most likely it'll be something great. 6:37 And I'll wrap it up by saying Parker Lang pees sitting down like a girl. 7:01 All I have to say 7:03 is that 1, it's a lot more cleanly. 7:09 Requires a lot less cleanup. 7:13 And the ladies don't complain about leaving the seat up. That's all I have to say. 
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