2K views Mar 2009
A hapless software salesman gets distracted by Minesweeper and Excel troubles while trying to sell products to an increasingly impatient customer in this office comedy sketch.
0:00 Oh yeah, let me log in on this one. 0:27 Tim Moore at sales. 0:28 Chip man, what's up? 0:29 God damn it, Ricky, you just fucked me up. 0:31 On Minesweeper? 0:32 No, no, not a Minesweeper, on my sales report I've been working on. 0:36 Uh, whatever. Hey, uh, actually, the uh, the reason I called, 0:38 Yeah. 0:38 um, well, that MILF on MILF action email I sent you. 0:41 Oh, dude, what? Wait, what? 0:42 The MILF on MILF action email. I thought you might like it. 0:45 Fuck yeah, I may like it. What is it? 0:46 Well, you know what a MILF is, right? 0:48 I live by a school, of course I know what a MILF is. 0:50 Okay, well, I got it from Gary, and he, he said he got it from this guy he used to work with who's like a, a MILF collector. 0:55 So it sounded pretty sweet, but anyway, you don't want to run that thing, dude. 0:58 It's a total virus. 0:59 Okay, well, um, it looks like it's working for me. 1:01 Wait, what? You got MILFs? 1:03 Yeah, dude, I got MILFs all over my screen here, kind of. 1:05 What? Dude, what a rip off. What dude told me it was a virus and spent all morning fucking with my computer? 1:10 Yeah, well, I'd definitely try it again, because I've seen like 3 MILFs already. 1:13 Damn it. Well, maybe I, maybe I didn't install it right. Okay, I got to do this. 1:17 Um, oh yeah, hey, wait, are you still mine sweeping? 1:19 Yeah, I'm still on Minesweeper, man. I've only got like 3 spaces left. 1:22 Well, how the fuck are you doing it? 1:23 You know, I don't know, I just, I, I get a feeling, you know? 1:26 I sit there, I analyze it, and bam! Oh, fuck! 1:31 What? 1:31 Fuck, I just did it. I just got another one. 1:33 No way. 1:34 Oh my God. 1:35 Fucking amazing. Hey, get this guy out of the minesweeping square. 1:38 Uh, well. 1:38 Yeah, okay. Hey, I gotta go. 1:40 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do have to go because I'm going. Okay, gotta go. 1:48 Sell, sell, sell, sell, sell, sell! Why are you yelling? 1:51 Hey, hey, it's good, it's a warm up, you know, I, I got some sales numbers to get here. 1:54 Warm up, warm up. I'm all right, I'm all right. 1:57 Bozar, this is Shatsworth. 1:58 Morehead! Jim Morehead here at Plaster Tech. 2:01 Oh, great. I've actually been waiting for your call, buddy. 2:03 Seriously? 2:04 Well, no, actually, but my boss just read an article in Byte Magazine about you guys, so now, um, our boss is very interested in your piece of shit software. 2:12 Yeah, well, I'd like to help you with that purchase, Aaron. Uh, you interested in the extended installation support plan? 2:16 Look, no. All right, I've got the company credit card right here. 2:18 I'm ready to do this. 2:19 Okay, well, one moment. Let me, uh, let me explain a little bit more about it. 2:21 Hello? Yeah, I just hung up my phone for a little bit. You're still talking? 2:24 Uh... 2:24 Really not interested in that bull crap waste of money. 2:27 Okay, okay, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. 2:29 Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm getting a feeling here. 2:31 You're getting a feeling? 2:32 You got me in the mood here. 2:33 You're getting a feeling that I'm sick of your sales pitch? 2:35 No, no, man, Minesweeper feeling. I'm actually feeling it. Here comes, oh my god damn it, yes! 2:41 Fucking hey, I got another one. Got another one, guys. Oh my god, oh, if you could only see this. 2:47 I, you know, I should do this for the army in Afghanistan. I am the Minesweeper. 2:50 I'm telling you that right now. I'm telling you that. Oh my god. 2:53 Ah. So, so anyway, you know, I'm sorry about that. 2:57 Is this Minesweeper the game? 2:58 Yeah, yeah. No, I, uh, I got this epic game of Minesweeper going here. 3:01 Oh yeah, that's hard. 3:02 Well, yeah, when there's 700 mines on the board, it makes it a little 3:05 700 mines, that's not even possible. 3:06 It's not impossible, and I'm doing it, okay? 3:08 Get down to brass tacks, young man. 3:09 Okay, okay, well, well, it sounds like you got the, uh, the installation end covered. 3:13 Uh, any, any other products? 3:14 No. 3:15 We got Meeting Cancel Pro. 3:16 No. 3:16 We got Speaker Placement Advisor, we got the poop pyramid, uh, 3:20 Huh? 3:20 Not the poop pyramid, but, uh, you, you got 3:22 No, no, look, I said my idiot boss who knows nothing about IP. 3:24 Okay, you know, um, Life Magazine actually just ran a full page article about lost productivity featuring our product. 3:30 No shit! That's why I'm being forced to install it, and I don't even think my boss understands what that article is about. 3:34 Okay, okay, uh, I tell you what, it sounds like you are a power user and you know just what you want, so I'm just going to add another, um, item here in my spreadsheet. 3:42 Give me one moment here. 3:42 Fire that sucker up. 3:44 Um. 3:45 My credit card's out. I'm ready for this. 3:46 Um, give me a second. 3:47 I have a company card right here in my hand. 3:48 Uh, hold on, I think, uh, 3:50 Does it feel good? 3:50 I think I'm out of rows. 3:52 You're out of rows? 3:53 Yeah, in my, in my- 3:53 You don't run out of rows. It just keeps going. You scroll down. 3:56 Uh, let's see. 3:58 Well, insert one. You go Alt I R. 4:02 Uh. 4:03 Alt I R. Hold down Alt, then type I. 4:06 Okay, okay, okay, let's see here. Um, what, what was that keystroke again? 4:10 Alt? 4:10 Alt, you suck at computers. 4:12 You know, you know what? Let, let me just put you on hold for a second. 4:14 No! 4:14 No, just, it'll just take one minute. 4:15 Do not put me on hold. Do not put me on hold. Do not. 4:17 Oh. Oh, god damn it! Fucking pop-ups. 4:25 You've reached Plastro Tech Tech Support. In case of a major enterprise level technical emergency, press 9 to be connected. 4:35 Eric! 4:36 Uh, hi, can I get the, uh, Big Daddy Bacon Cheeseburger combo? 4:39 Hey, Webdude, this Chip. 4:41 Hold on. Thank you. 4:44 Yeah. 4:45 Ugh. Jeez. You know, every time I call, you're eating. 4:49 Hello? 4:49 Yeah, Webdude, this is Chip up here in the sales department. 4:52 Okay. 4:52 I've got, I've got a serious problem here, uh, which is 4:55 Is it the virus email? 4:55 Uh, no, no, nothing to do with that. 4:57 You didn't download an attachment off an email and run it? 4:59 No, no. No, I don't know how to do that. 5:01 Okay. 5:02 Uh, so this is like something totally not, uh, that though. This is an Excel problem. 5:06 Chip, this on-call number is for emergencies, not application support. 5:10 Okay, well, I'm telling you this is an emergency. It's a customer-facing issue. 5:14 Dude, it'll only take 2 minutes. 5:18 What, what's the problem? 5:19 Okay, okay, I- I've used up all the rows, uh, in my Excel spreadsheet. 5:22 You used up all the rows? 5:23 And I've tried everything to put another row in. I've tried all IR, and that didn't work. 5:26 You know the key shortcut? 5:27 Yeah, man, of course. 5:28 What happens when you do it? 5:30 Okay, uh, nothing, actually. 5:31 Nothing? You have a row selected? 5:33 Yeah, I guess. 5:34 Click on one of the rows and then do the shortcut. 5:36 Okay, all IR, nothing. 5:38 Is your keyboard working? Is it plugged in? Can you type in a cell? 5:41 Uh... 5:42 Just click in a cell and type something. 5:44 Okay, no, I can type, but I don't get a new row. 5:46 Okay, so the keyboard works. 5:47 Yeah, the keyboard is working like a charm. 5:49 All right, well, right click in a cell and do insert row from there. 5:57 Cell, insert, no, I don't get the 6:00 You're clicking 6:00 option, no. 6:01 You're using the mouse, right? The right button, and you're clicking in a row and say insert row in the menu. 6:06 Nope. 6:06 What the fuck? 6:08 No, no, I'm not getting that option. 6:09 Go to the insert menu and do it from up there. 6:11 What? 6:11 The insert menu, the top menu. 6:13 All right, insert, no insert row. 6:15 What? It didn't say insert row in the insert menu? 6:17 No, I'm not making this up, okay? I'm telling you what's happening. 6:21 Is Excel responding at all? What's happening with Excel? 6:22 Excel is responding, okay? 6:23 Click on a bunch of buttons with Excel. Do something with your spreadsheet. 6:26 Drag stuff around. Can you move anything? 6:28 Yeah, I can drag stuff around. I can do it all day long. Okay, but I don't get any new rows. 6:32 Well. 6:32 All right, yeah, and now my spreadsheet's pretty much fucked. 6:34 Just close it out, reopen it. 6:36 Close Excel. 6:38 Probably what you need to do anyway. 6:39 One second. 6:41 I don't understand why they make this so hard, okay? 6:43 I don't understand how you have all these problems. No one else does. 6:46 Here we go. Okay, back in. Let's go to my spreadsheet. Okay, yeah, great. 6:51 That's, that's just fucking great. You know, my spreadsheet's all fucked up now. 6:54 What do you mean it's fucked up? 6:55 It's fucked up. You had me, you had me, like, move rows and all that shit. 6:58 Now, now I can't do anything. 6:59 You saved it? 6:59 I didn't. 7:00 Why did you save it? 7:00 I closed out Excel and I opened it up again. 7:02 You didn't get a pop-up asking you to save. 7:04 Well, I had 20 pop-ups since this problem started happening. 7:06 Oh. 7:06 It's kind of hard to tell the difference. 7:07 You do have the virus. 7:08 Well, 7:09 God damn it. 7:09 Maybe I do, and maybe I don't, okay? 7:10 You have the virus. 7:11 How the hell should I know, okay? I forgot to roll my 12-sided die this morning to protect me against computer viruses. 7:15 Don't touch any of those pop-ups, just close them out. 7:17 Okay, I'm- I've been closing them. 7:19 You know not to click on random pop-up windows, right? 7:20 Yeah, yeah, I know how to click on a pop-up, okay? 7:21 No, not to click on random pop-ups. 7:23 Okay, yeah, I know how not to click on a pop-up, of course, unless it's asking me to save it, apparently. 7:27 Well, that was a dialog box from the system. 7:29 Okay, well, it popped up just like the other pop-ups. 7:31 Just stop touching your computer. I'll look at it when I get back, all right? 7:34 Nancy, you know, I told you this was gonna happen. 7:36 Oh God. 7:36 I told you. It's like, it's like the time of the floppy drive, you know, the simplest thing. 7:39 Chip. 7:40 It won't help me. 7:40 Chip. 7:41 Fucking start a new spreadsheet. 7:43 Chip. 7:44 File, new. 7:45 Chip. 7:46 File, new, okay. File, new. Oh, file, new. Uh, you 7:51 Why is it so hard for you to do the simple stuff? 7:53 Okay, you know, do you want me to do a new blank presentation or what? 7:56 What? Blank, blank presentation? You're not using Excel? Are you using PowerPoint? 8:02 Uh. 8:02 You're using PowerPoint, aren't you? 8:03 This- 8:03 You sales guys think you can do everything with PowerPoint. You probably browse the web with PowerPoint. 8:08 Is it PowerPoint or not? Look at the top menu bar. What does it say? 8:12 Where? 8:12 The black part. The top left. 8:14 Top PowerPoint Excel. 8:16 God damn it, Chip. Why do you waste my time with this stuff? 8:18 I'm trying to eat lunch. 8:19 Oh, what? Gotta get these gone. Jesus Christ, I can't get anything done with all these. 8:24 You know what? I... Fuck! Oh, I just spilled my drink. God fucking shit. 8:28 Ah! Fuck! 8:33 Yo, yo, I told you not to take the website down. I told you not to take the website down, but you had to get all injured up in this, and you did it. 8:41 Yo, someone get me a blueberry snaffle. I said blueberry snaffle. 8:45 I can't feel my face. 8:53 MILF, a motherfucking. 
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