1.6K views Jun 2009
The Onion News Network reports that after visiting a Denny’s, Obama scales back his national agenda to modest goals like quitting meth and walking to the liquor store.
0:06 President Obama announced today he will drastically scale back his agenda for America after a visit to a Denny's restaurant in Manassas, Virginia caused him to, quote, completely reconsider what our nation is capable of achieving. 0:19 In a press conference this afternoon, the president said, quote, what I saw at Denny's made me realize how much I have overestimated the American people. 0:26 Before we reclaim global leadership, we must first stop eating 6 sausages and a pound of eggs covered in syrup for breakfast, and we must stop leaving the house in sweatpants. 0:35 For more, let's go to Onion News Network Washington correspondent Jane Carmichael, who was traveling with the president this morning. 0:41 Thanks, Andrea. The president stopped by the Denny's for breakfast en route to a speaking engagement and spent about 35 minutes inside. 0:47 When he came out, he looked visibly shaken. I spoke to several Denny's customers and employees who witnessed the president's visit. 0:53 Well, I told him I had no job, and he asked where I've been looking for one, and I was like, what do I want to work for? 0:59 He said something to me about some colleges, something for my kids, but I can barely hear him with this little bitch crying his head off. 1:05 I microwaved his food until it was hot all the way through, because, you know, he's the president. 1:11 Several people noted that Obama looked, quote, real uneasy throughout much of the meal, particularly when he saw a drunk man who was sleeping in a nearby booth sit up and vomit on his chocolate chip pancakes and immediately go back to sleep. 1:21 Thanks, Jane. And we have White House Deputy Press Secretary Todd Grant joining us right now. 1:25 Mr. Grant, give us a sense of how big these post-Denny's policy changes will be. 1:29 Well, Andrea, the president was deeply unsettled by his experience at Denny's, so it's safe to say the changes will be sweeping. 1:35 Uh, they're all laid out in his new realistic hope for America plan. 1:38 Right, I can see that. 1:38 And it basically replaces the president's previous agenda with goals he now thinks are more within the grasp of the American public, 1:43 Mm-hmm. 1:43 such as not slapping your children in public, not calling your waitress a cunt, and not smoking while eating your moons over my hammy. 1:48 Now, surely he's going to face strong criticism for abandoning his previous plans, for example, on the environment. 1:53 Andrew, I was with the president when he went inside the Denny's. 1:56 Uh, those plans were never going to happen. 1:58 Really? 1:58 But the president hasn't abandoned his principles. Uh, it's true that he's no longer calling for 1 million hybrid cars by 2015. 2:04 Right, I can see that. 2:05 But he is calling on Americans to think about walking to the liquor store down the block instead of driving. 2:09 Huh. 2:09 We believe America can do it. 2:10 Right. 2:10 And we're also encouraging Americans to quit meth and stop getting Tweety Bird tattoos. 2:14 So, big picture, Mr. Grant, what does this mean for the long-term goals of the Obama presidency? 2:19 Well, it's certainly not to make America a world leader in anything anymore. 2:22 Interesting. 2:23 But we hope to inspire all of America to band together and make, uh, make our nation a little bit less of an embarrassing, disgusting shithole. 2:29 Okay, well, that makes sense. Mr. Grant, thank you so much for being with us. 2:32 Thanks, Andrea. 2:33 Moving on, a study shows that by 2025, American children will be too obese to ride hoverboards. 
