2.7K views Sep 2009
A mock news report claims Americans are honoring the September 11 anniversary by abstaining from masturbation for a day, then making up for it tomorrow.
0:06 Today marks the 8th anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks on this country. 0:11 Across the nation, millions of Americans are showing their respect for the somber occasion by reminding themselves not to masturbate. 0:17 It's a serious day, and it's in really bad taste to masturbate today. 0:22 It's hard to go a whole day without jerking off even once, but it's the respectful and patriotic thing to do. 0:27 At ceremonies across the nation, thousands gathered to light candles, give prayers, and silently remind themselves that it would be wrong to touch themselves sexually when they get home. 0:36 The solemn gathering gave those who attended a chance to reflect on where they were 8 years ago today, a day that will be marked forever after as a day that will feel weird to masturbate on. 0:46 I was watching television while masturbating, and they started showing the footage of the towers, and I knew it wasn't right to finish up. 0:54 Media outlets are doing their part to help the American public not feel like masturbating by printing and broadcasting hundreds of images of weeping Americans, and many pornographic websites took down their content for 24 hours. 1:06 But for some, especially those who are younger, the passing of 9/11 is becoming a less meaningful occasion. 1:12 I, I know that I probably shouldn't masturbate today, but I don't know, should I not masturbate on Pearl Harbor Day 2? 1:17 There's literally nothing in this world that'll keep me from masturbating. 1:20 While the day is somber, many are looking forward to tomorrow, 9/12, so-called Masturbation Day in America, where everyone is going to masturbate twice as much to make up for the previous day. 1:31 Moving on, Congress is holding hearings to appoint a new cast member to The View this week. 
