3.9K views Aug 2009
Bill Bailey spins a pub joke into a surreal routine, expanding the number of patrons before a late-arriving character derails the story and everyone begins to melt.
0:00 3 blokes go into a pub. All right. I say 3. 0:06 Could be 4 or 5. 0:09 Could be 9 or 10, doesn't matter. Could be 15, 20, I don't mind. 0:12 50, round it up, 100. 0:16 Let's go mad, eh, 250, go on. Tell you what, double it up, 500. 0:20 1000. Oh, I've gone mad, 2000. 5000. I'll tell you what, 5,000, anyone 5,000, 5,000, 5, 6,000, 6,000, 10,000. 0:27 Pick a small town in Hertfordshire, gazuno Park. All right. 15,000 blokes. 0:31 All right, let's go. Population of Rotterdam, all right? Rotterdam, The Hague, whole of Northern Holland, mainland UK. 0:36 All right. Let's go all the way to the top, Europe. All right. 0:39 Whole of Europe goes in. I say Europe. Could be, could be Eurasia, couldn't it? 0:43 Not a band, obviously, that's just two of them. Uh. 0:52 All right, continents, North America plus South America plus Antarctica. 0:55 That's just 8 blokes in a weather station. That's not a very good example. 0:57 Right, okay. 1:00 Make it a lot simpler. All the blokes in the planet go into the pub. 1:03 First bloke goes up the bar, he says, I'll get these in. What an idiot. 1:13 And the barman says that'd be 8.4 billion pounds, please. He says, you still doing food? 1:21 All right, two blokes go into a pub. 1:25 I say two, 1:27 but it's actually a three bloke joke. So, uh, they have to wait till the other bloke turns up before they start the joke. 1:35 So they have a couple of light ales, ploughmans, you know. And, um, after a while, this woman comes over and says, perhaps I can help out. 1:41 And they said, well, actually it is a three bloke joke. Two blokes with a woman, it's not really going to work out. 1:46 And the woman said, actually I am a bloke. Uh, I'm waiting for a transvestite innuendo routine, hasn't turned up yet. 1:54 And they said, oh, oh, thanks very much. So they went out to the pub, start the joke. 1:59 So, three blokes go into a pub. 2:03 I say three. 2:05 One of them's actually dressed as a woman, but technically he's a bloke underneath, so on paper we're all right. 2:12 So, 2:16 3 blokes go into a pub, and they go in the pub, and the first bloke they meet is the bloke that's meant to be doing the joke in the first place. 2:22 And he comes running in like that, all late, like, sorry mate, sorry mate. 2:26 What are you doing? We had to start the joke without you. He said, sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 2:31 And he said, who's this woman? He says, it's not a woman, it's a bloke who very kindly agreed to help. 2:35 Why were you late? And he goes, well, I was in a shaggy dog story. 2:38 The bloke spun it out, milked it. I couldn't get away. 2:42 I said, will you sit down and shut up, right? Anyway, and he said, you're not going to chuck me out of the joke, are you? 2:48 I've been doing this third bloke and the three blokes going to the pub joke for the last 20 years. 2:52 You can't chuck me out like that. They said, look, we are chucking you out, now sit down and shut up. 2:56 And you go, what, chuck me out? No clock, nothing? They go, no, just sit down and shut up. 3:01 So they carried on with the joke. So first bloke goes at the bar and the bloke started heckling. 3:05 He went, heard it. And he said, will you shut up, right? 3:09 Of course you've heard it, you've been in it for 20 years. He said, right. 3:13 And he pulls a gun out. He says, I'm hijacking this whole routine. 3:16 We're going on a surrealist ramble. And he said, you idiot, by pulling that gun out, you've already placed us on a surrealist ramble. 3:23 You're trying to hijack yourself to where we already are. We're now trapped. 3:27 We're in Gibbs Paradox. We're in a self-defeating two-dimensional continuum. 3:31 We can no longer justify our own existence. And as he said that, they began to melt, and their words faded to a delicate hanging cadence. 
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