Video player not working?0:000:000:00SettingsQualityAutoAudioSpeed1×CaptionsOffDave Chappelle How Old Is FifteenDula TVFunny videos since 2008Thumbs up0Thumbs down0 Share2K views May 2009Dave Chappelle stand up talking about R-Kelly and how old is fifteen. Show transcript0:00R. Kelly pissed on his victim.0:05I know, it was rough. But I mean, again, I can't even judge R.0:09Kelly. First of all, we don't know if these allegations are true or not, and even if they are true, if you want to know how I feel about it, honestly, if a man cannot pee on his fans,0:19I don't want to be in show business anymore because, well, that's why I got in the game, baby, I got dreams too.0:29You guys are confusing the issue. While you guys are busy worrying about if R.0:33Kelly even peed on this girl or not, you're not asking yourself the real question that America needs to decide once and for all, and that question is, how old is 15 really?0:48No, that's a good question. That's a good question. I'm not saying that a person is as smart as they're going to be at 15.0:55That's not what I'm saying, man. But I am saying 15 to me is old enough to decide whether or not you want to be pissed on.1:03I mean, that's me. If you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15, then just give up, motherfucker, because life is way harder than that.1:12I make tougher decisions all the time. If you don't want to get pissed on, just get the fuck out of the way.1:16It's not even a decision. If I stop peeing on the front row, they're not gonna have to calculate and think, how do I feel about this?1:21Am I okay with it? They just move.1:26You can do that at 15. I, I could have. I've been 15. When I was 15, I was doing stand-up in nightclubs.1:33I smoked reefer from time to time. Friends were selling crack.1:36I was trying to finger fuck people. I knew what was happening around me to some degree.1:42Getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. Trust me.1:50But it keeps coming up. There's a lot of confusion around that age.1:53Anytime 15 comes up, people freak out. Like when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped.1:59Right? Remember in Utah last year, 15-year-old girl Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped, and then they finally found her, and the whole country was relieved.2:06And I was the only one saying, damn, she wasn't that smart after all.2:11Not 'cause she got kidnapped, that could happen to anybody. I'm not knocking her for that.2:15I'm just saying, if you kidnap me when I was 15, you gotta take me further than 8 miles away from my house, man.2:21God damn. Can't hold me prisoner around shit I recognize. I'll break away.2:27I'll, I'll break away. Fuck off me, nigga. That's my bus stop.2:30I know where I'm at. I'm going home.2:38She was missing for 6 months, 8 miles away from my house. That's 2 exits, man.2:42That's nothing.2:45And while she was missing, during this half a year that this girl was missing, there's a 7-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in Philadelphia.2:53Nobody knows her name. They might have talked about it 2 or 3 times on the news, but she should have been the top story because she chewed through the ropes and had both of these motherfuckers in jail in 45 minutes flat.3:047 years old. I'm not making this up.3:10These 2 crackheads kidnapped her and took her back to the crack house and tied her up, and then they left her.3:17They're crackheads, they got to make moves, crack smoke, chocolate to eat.3:19These motherfuckers made moves, they was out.3:22But as soon as they left, this little girl got to nibbling.3:26She was kidnapped at 4 o'clock and at home watching herself on the news at 5:30.3:30That shit is crazy. That's a, that's a news story. That is a news story.3:36Now...3:39Meanwhile, in Utah,3:4215-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors left her alone too, and they didn't even tie her up 'cause they're hillbillies.3:48They just bounced down. Don't try to escape, bitch, or we'll kill you.3:52Be right back. They leave, and she's 15, sitting in the house by herself.3:57How am I going to get out of this?4:03Come on, Elizabeth, think. Think, Elizabeth, how am I going to get out of here?4:09Why don't you just open the fucking door and go outside? Have you thought about that?4:12Do you have a quarter? Do you know your phone number? You're 15, bitch, run.4:16Stop thinking and stop making moves.4:19I know I sound mean, and I know what the people are thinking when I'm saying this, Dave, she is only 15.4:26All right, but that's the discrepancy, because when you talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart, then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent.4:34On the flip side, here comes 15 again. Now we're talking about a 15-year-old black kid in Florida.4:39This black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when he's practicing wrestling moves that he saw on TV.4:44Now, was he a kid? No. They gave him life. They always try our 15-year-olds as adults.4:50This nigga knew what he was doing. He's a goddamn pile driver.4:56This kid gets on the ropes, there's no stopping him.5:00You'd have to send The Rock to arrest him.5:04And they gave a 15-year-old boy life in jail. If you think that it's OK to give him life in jail, then it should be legal to pee on him.5:13That's all I'm saying. You got to make up your mind across the board how old 15 actually is.5:19That's all I'm saying. So I'm gonna tell you right now, if somebody comes in here and puts a gun to my head and says, Chappelle, you got a choice to make.5:27You're either going to jail for a month or we'll let you go, but you got to let R.5:31Kelly pee on you. I'm not hesitating. Bring in R. Kelly and tell him to stay away from my ass.5:41I'd rather get pissed on on the outside than fucking the butt on the inside, so.5:48I can't go to jail with some smooth Botox balls and think everything's gonna be all right.5:52It's not that kind of place.5:55Take my chance with that piss. Piss will wash off with a 10-minute shower, I'm certain of it.5:59This piss coming right out.6:04What can I do? They're gonna put me in jail.
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