1.7K views Oct 2009
Dave Chappelle jokes about chivalry, dating, and the differences between men and women in a stand-up routine, sharing stories about relationships and club life.
0:02 The only thing in our society that bothers me the most is the way that men and women don't get along no more. 0:09 That's really what's bugging me about it. Men and women just don't get along. 0:13 Like, I hear women say this all the time. I know a lot of you sisters be like, chivalry is dead. 0:18 Don't you? Don't y'all feel that way? Like men aren't gentlemen anymore? 0:23 That's right. Chivalry is dead, and women killed it. 0:36 There's a fundamental difference in the way we're gonna see things. 0:39 We're not gonna see eye to eye on this issue. We're just not. 0:43 Our tests in life are different. A woman's test in life is material. 0:49 A man's test in life is a woman. 0:54 Now, by test, I mean that those are the things that we desire. 0:58 Men have nice cars, not 'cause they like nice cars, because they know women like nice cars. 1:09 That's how it goes. 'Cause men are hunters, and the car is the bait. 1:17 And a woman comes and says, ooh, nice Porsche. Got you, bitch. 1:24 That's how it is. 1:28 That's true. Come on, man, you go to a woman's house, her house be comfortable as shit. 1:33 Women love comfortable surroundings so men get comfortable surroundings. 1:36 Let me tell you something. If a man could fuck a woman in a cardboard box, he wouldn't buy a house. 1:45 But that's still not where chivalry got killed. Chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on the magazines that got women going crazy, because women got too much advice about men from other women, 1:59 and they don't know what the fuck they're talking about. 2:10 And it's true. I see this shit in the ma- in the magazines. I don't read them, but I'll be seeing the cover. 2:16 I look at, ever be in the grocery store, fellas, you look at one of them magazines, like, what is this? 2:19 And they say on the cover, 100 Ways to Please Your Man by some lady. 2:27 Get out of here, man. Come on. Ain't no 100 ways. That list is 4 things long. 2:32 Just suck his dick, play with his balls, and then fix him a sandwich, and don't talk so much. 2:48 And then the magazines trick the women. The magazines start picking at your self-esteem. 2:54 Every page you turn, you start feeling fatter and uglier, and you feel like your clothes aren't good enough, and the magazines have you forgetting how fucking beautiful you are, and that's what happens. 3:05 Now look what happens. 3:08 And then you forget how beautiful you are, and we all suffer. 3:12 If pussy was a stock, it sh- would be plummeting right now because you flooded the market with it. 3:17 You're giving it away too easy. 3:20 This is, I'm just being truthful. 3:25 I'm just talking. 3:28 It would plummet. 3:31 You'd be watching the news today, pussy plummeted again on the Nasdaq. 3:38 Gold is up 10 points. 3:43 You can see it. You ever, you ever have this happen? This is how confusing it is. 3:46 This, this is the practical application of what I'm talking about. 3:49 Like a guy be out, this happened to a lot of guys, you be out of club, bar, right? 3:53 He's kicking with your boys, and, and a girl walks by, and, and man, she looks good. 3:58 She looks good, not good in that classical way. I mean, you know, I'm talking good, like she got half her ass hanging out her skirt. 4:07 Her titties are all mashed together, popping out the top of her turtleneck and shit. 4:21 And you with your buddies, right? You with your buddies, you got a couple drinks in you, and you see a guy just, you might try to talk to her, this might not come out right. 4:28 I don't know what you say, but damn, look at them titties. 4:35 The girl gets mad and said, oh, uh-uh, oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. 4:41 Just because I'm dressed this way does not 4:48 make me a whore. 4:52 Which is true. Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. 4:58 Don't ever forget it. But ladies, you must understand that that is fucking confusing. 5:05 Just is. 5:08 Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle the comedian, walking around the streets in a cop uniform. 5:14 Somebody might run up on me. Oh, thank God. 5:16 Officer, help us. Come on, they're over here. Help us. 5:21 I'm like, man, oh, just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer. 5:33 You understand what I'm saying? It's like, all right, lady, fine, fine. 5:40 You are not a whore, 5:43 but you are wearing a whore's uniform, I'll tell you that shit right now. 5:50 Little misunderstandings can happen, and then men, we misunderstand women a lot. 5:56 You know, we, we always undermine their feelings. You can't do that to them. 5:59 You can't, because... See, feelings are, you see they're clapping. 6:04 Feelings are very important to women. They are all important. 6:09 I'm just learning this shit. 6:13 Everything's based on how they feel. 6:17 You can hear when they tell stories. You ever tell, hear a man tell a story, it'd be just facts. 6:22 Who, what, when, where, why. 6:25 It was me and Bob, we was at Safeway, then that nigga Bob said this, then I punched that nigga, and then I broke out. 6:30 That's the story. 6:36 That's the story. Women tell stories and all these feelings. 6:40 Well, first of all, you have to understand, I was on my period, and I just talked to my mother, so I was feeling like, like, god damn, there's too many feelings. 6:47 What the fuck happened? Get to it, get to it. 6:51 But I gotta talk about them. 6:55 Gotta talk about them. That's how they always get me. I'll be sitting there watching TV, chilling and shit. 7:01 My old lady come up to me. David, 7:06 we need to talk. 7:10 Fuck! 7:15 I don't say that out loud. 7:18 That's how I feel inside. Because I know every time we need to talk, we need to talk about some shit that I gotta do. 7:27 We don't ever have to talk about anything she needs to do. 7:39 She leaves me defenseless. I have to do what I have to do. 7:44 David, we need to talk. 7:47 Nah. 7:50 Don't do that to me, David. This is serious. Stop talking in that voice. 7:54 No, see. 7:58 I gotta do this, see. Ah, see. 8:08 I complain, but I'm happy I'm with somebody. I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be single. 8:12 I don't like that. Sometimes you go to them single clubs, you see too much. 8:15 I was on the road, one club, and I seen a, uh, I seen a thing they call a thong contest. 8:30 Yeah, it's some scandalous shit, all right. 8:34 I couldn't get over that, man. Because the DJ, you know, I was dancing with a girl, and they just said, everybody that wants to be in the thong contest, please report to the DJ booth. 8:43 Girl's like, excuse me. 8:47 They put on that song, so let me see some dum dum dum dum dum. 8:52 Them girls was going off. Some of them pulled their pants down, some pulled their skirts up, all of them just shaking their butt. 8:59 Some of them didn't even have underwear on, they was just fucking shaking their butt. 9:03 I mean, really, I was fucking disgusted, but I couldn't turn away. 9:11 But no, please, for the squeamish, just plug your ears. All right, one of the girls who gets so into it, there's no cops around, right? 9:18 But she actually, I'm sorry to tell y'all this, she spreads her butt cheeks open. 9:22 She spreads her butt cheeks open in the middle of a crowded disco, right? 9:26 I was disgusted because I was like 10 yards away from her. I was like, oh my God. 9:35 Is that her, is that her birth canal? 9:41 Oh, it gets worse. 9:44 Oh God almighty, is that a, is that a baby? 9:49 I know that's gross, it's gross, because it was a baby. 9:55 It was the same baby from the project. She's like, I snuck in the club, nigga. 9:59 I got that weed. And eat me. 10:03 Just pat on ass, and I'll come out. 10:07 Hey guys, thank you very much. 10:11 I love you all. 10:12 Thank you. 10:23 Good night. 10:24 Good night. 
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