1.2K views Mar 2010
A news panel debates how newspaper closures will affect reclusive hoarders, discussing their towering stacks and other uses for print in a satirical skit.
0:11 I'm Juliana McCanis, filling in for Clifford Baines, who is standing over a bound and gagged man with a shovel, wondering if he has the guts to go through with it. 0:19 With so many newspapers struggling financially, some analysts fear the print media is in danger of collapsing. 0:24 But if newspapers disappear, what will crazy old loons fill their dusty, cluttered houses with? 0:30 Well, this is a real crisis. If the print media dies, loons will have nothing to stack in huge piles in every corner of their home. 0:37 Robert is right. Since the time of the American Revolution, reclusive loons have been hoarding newspapers. 0:42 Look, times change. Loons will just have to find something else to stack. 0:45 Well, speaking as a loon myself. 0:46 You're a loon? 0:47 Yes, my home is a maze of old newspapers stacked from floor to ceiling. 0:52 I didn't know that. 0:53 How could you? No other living person has set foot inside my house in 14 years. 0:57 Listen, the death of the newspaper is going to affect a lot more than just a bunch of crazy old looks. 1:02 Damn. 1:02 Well, 1:02 There are people all over this country that depend on newspapers to cover the floor of their garage when they're trying to paint something. 1:09 Now, I, I love newspapers as much as any half-crazed pack rat hermit, but the future of the news is the internet, plain and simple. 1:15 Come on, David. Kindergarten teachers aren't going to have any newspaper to, to make their 1:19 Oh, come on. 1:20 paper mache pinatas out of. 1:21 Why is that the response? 1:22 Besides that, internet news is completely unreliable. 1:24 That's right. 1:25 Big piles of printouts fall right over when the cat jumps on them. 1:29 Exactly. 1:29 I acknowledge the stackability of newspaper. 1:32 Thank you, because stacking is a treasured pastime of loons, something I've dreamed about my son being able to do when he loses his mind. 1:40 But loons have learned to adapt in the past. I mean, before newspapers, shut-ins and crazies hoarded animal bones and wax. 1:46 You cannot insulate your clothes with animal bones. 1:50 Now, some people believe that the government should step in and give financial support to the newspaper industry in order to preserve the loon way of life. 1:57 No, we already subsidize Amtrak for the benefit of the loons, costing the taxpayers millions of dollars. 2:02 Well, Robert, as a loon, do you think 2:04 622. 2:06 Robert. 2:07 1749. 2:09 Well. 
