1.9K views Nov 2009
George Carlin riffs on how people collect and carry their belongings, joking that homes, vacations, and travel plans all revolve around finding places for stuff.
0:00 I would have been out here a little bit sooner, but they gave me, uh, the wrong dressing room, and I couldn't find any place to put my stuff. 0:06 And I don't know how you are, but I need a place to put my stuff. 0:09 So that's what I've been doing back there, just trying to find a place for my stuff. 0:13 You know how important that is. That's the whole, that's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? 0:16 Trying to find a place for your stuff. That's all your house is. 0:20 Your house is just a place for your stuff. If you didn't have so much goddamn stuff, you wouldn't need a house. 0:26 You could just walk around all the time. That's all your house is, it's a pile of stuff with a cover on it. 0:33 You see that when you take off in an airplane and you look down and you see everybody's got a little pile of stuff. 0:37 Everybody's got their own pile of stuff. And when you leave your stuff, you gotta lock it up. 0:42 Wouldn't want somebody to come by and take some of your stuff. 0:46 They always take the good stuff. 0:49 They don't bother with that crap you're saving. Ain't nobody interested in your fourth grade arithmetic. 0:57 They're looking for the good stuff. That's all your house is. 1:00 It's a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. 1:05 Now, sometimes, sometimes you've got to move. You got to get a bigger house. 1:10 Why? Too much stuff. 1:13 You've got to move all your stuff and maybe put some of your stuff in storage. 1:19 Imagine that, there's a whole industry based on keeping an eye on your stuff. 1:25 Enough about your stuff, let's talk about other people's stuff. 1:29 Did you ever notice when you go to somebody else's house, you never quite feel 100% at home? 1:33 You know why? No room for your stuff. 1:37 Somebody else's stuff is all over the place, and what awful stuff it is. 1:44 Where did they get this stuff? 1:47 And if you have to stay overnight at someone's house, you know, unexpectedly, and they give you a little room to sleep in that they don't use that often. 1:54 Someone died in it 11 years ago, and they haven't moved any of his stuff. 2:02 Or wherever they give you to sleep, usually right near the bed, there's a dresser, and there's never any room on the dresser for your stuff. 2:08 Someone else's shit is on the dresser. Have you noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff? 2:19 Get that off of there. 2:22 Now, 2:24 now, sometimes you go on vacation, you gotta bring some of your stuff with you. 2:30 You can't bring all your stuff, just the stuff you really like. 2:34 The stuff that fits you well that month. 2:39 Let's say you're going to go to Honolulu, you're going to go all the way to Honolulu, you got to take 2 big bags of stuff, plus your carry-on stuff, plus the stuff in your pockets. 2:48 You get all the way to Honolulu, and you get in your hotel room, and you start to put away your stuff. 2:51 That's the first thing you do in a hotel room is put away your stuff. 2:54 I'll put some stuff in here, put some stuff down there. Here's another place for some stuff here. 2:57 I'll put some stuff over there. You put your stuff over there. 2:59 I'm putting my stuff over here. Here's another place for some stuff. 3:01 Hey, we got more places than we've got stuff. We're gonna have to buy more stuff. 3:11 Yeah. 3:16 And you put all your stuff away, and you know that you're thousands of miles from home, and you don't quite feel at ease, but you know that you must be okay because you do have some of your stuff with you, 3:27 and you relax in Honolulu on that basis. 3:31 That's when your friend from Maui calls and says, hey, why don't you come over to Maui for the weekend, spend a couple of nights over here? 3:39 Oh shit, no. 3:42 Now what stuff do you bring? Right, you've got to bring an even smaller version of your stuff. 3:49 Just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui. 3:53 And you get over, and you're really spread out now. You've got shit all over the world. 3:59 You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pocket. 4:04 Supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. 4:08 But you get over to your friend's house in Maui, and they give you a little place to sleep, and there's a little window ledge or some kind of a small shelf, and there's not much room on it, 4:15 but it's okay because you don't have much stuff now. And you put what stuff you do have up there. 4:20 You put your imported French toenail clippers, your odor readers with a 45-day guarantee, your cinnamon-flavored dental floss, and your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray. 4:33 And even though you're a long way from home, you know that you must be okay because you do have your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray, and you relax in Maui on that basis. 4:46 That's when your friend says, hey, I think tonight we'll go over the other side of the island and stay at my friend's house overnight. 4:52 Oh shit, no. 4:55 Now what do you bring? Now you just bring the things You know you're gonna need money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hanky, pens, cigarettes, contraceptives, Vaseline, whips, chains, 5:06 whistles, dildos, and a book. 
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