Louis CK recounts a strange traffic incident where a stranger told him to suck dicks.
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Hey, this is interesting. The other day, a guy told me to suck a bag of dicks. That was interesting. I never heard that before. Total stranger told me to suck a bag of dicks. A whole bag of them. He was angry. He didn't just, you know, suck a bag of dicks like a greeting. Oh, suck a bag of dicks to you, too, sir. Thank you very much. It's a lovely day for sucking several bags of dicks. Now, what happened was I I cut him off in traffic. It was just one of those things where it just I had to get in and no one was in my car to judge me and I just, you know, I just decided he's not me, so I don't care what happens to him and I just cut him off and it's just a shitty thing to do. And it was bad because he was coming fast because he didn't imagine in a million years someone could be that big of an asshole. And so when I did it, he had to slam on his brakes and his dog went in the windshield. It was really very bad. Very bad. And the worst part is when you cut people off, they they don't vanish, they're behind you now. So looking back and he's like, fucking asshole. He's so mad and he keeps trying to get next to me because he just wants to see my fucking face. He's just dying, he's like, I got to see this cocksucker now. I got to see the fucking face of the piece of shit that just did that to me. And I keep cutting him off because I don't want him to see. I'm ashamed of what I did. No, nope, you don't. Finally, we get to a red light and I got to face him, only because there's a car in front of me, otherwise I would have fucking blown right through there. But there he is, just fucking furious and I'm like, well I know, it was awful. I shouldn't have done it. I'm not mad. I was wrong. Why would I be mad? And he's like, well fuck you! And then he starts going like this because he wants me to roll my window down like I'm supposed to take part in my own abuse during his argument, you know. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't want to miss this. What do you have to say about me, yes? How rude of me to shut out your anger with my So I did. I rolled it down. I'm interested. And he goes, hey, asshole. I'm like, yeah. He says, suck a bag of dicks. Then he drove away. And I was kind of sad that he drove away because I had a lot of questions. That concept of sucking a bag of dicks is just weird. Like, first of all, when you picture a bag of dicks, what do you see when you picture a bag of dicks? Is it like a plastic bag and they're all mushing together like chicken parts? And a date written on it with sharpie, keeping it in the freezer. Or is it like a paper bag and they're sticking out like baguettes, kind of like you went shopping, bringing home a bag of dicks for the kids? I'm going to go, Suzie, take a blue one, you know, like a little. I don't know, you there hanging in a window somewhere, give me two of those. And how do you suck a bag of dicks? What does he want me to do? Does he want me to take a bag of dicks and suck it? Like, suck the side of the bag? Or do does he want me to open the bag and suck each dick individually and throw the used ones in a bowl like edamame shells like that? Do I have to make them all come? You know, like, how? I don't know. I never even sucked one dick, so it's not an area that I understand. I've never I've never sucked a dick. Isn't that weird? I've never sucked a dick my whole life. That's weird to me. It is. It's weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick. When you think about it, most people on Earth suck dicks. It's true. Because 51% of the population are women and they suck dicks. Then there's all the gay guys that suck dicks. Then there's all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances. So what? There's only like a thousand of us out there who never blew anyone. Just a bunch of selfish assholes that are fucking getting blown and not blown back, you know? It's like that's what people do. We all fucking suck dicks, you know? We haven't done it. I don't have like a big reason not to, either. I don't have a policy against sucking a dick. It's not something I'm against doing. I just have never seen a dick I wanted to suck. That's really what it comes down to. I've never seen a penis that inspired me to suck it. Every dick I've ever seen has bummed me out. I hate them. I I hate them. They ruin my day when I see them. But that's just so far. I mean, how the fuck do I know? There might be the This guy right here might have a beautiful dick. This guy, if I saw his dick, I might go, oh, fuck. That shit's going in my mouth right now. And I just fucking and I'd have to blow him. Fucking hold him down and blow him. That's the kind of I would like rape blow people. That's what I would like. Hold the guy down and blow him, despite him. That's the kind of shit I would do. Just to, you know. I'm just saying I'm not prejudiced. I I haven't seen that many. There's billions, literally billions of dicks in the world, and I've seen like 40 at the most. So, how the fuck would I know? What is that too many? I think I yeah, that's too many, right? 40. Jesus Christ. Only 39. That's a dick a year plus another one. Why am I saying 40? That's a lot. That's like two bags of dicks right there. At least 40 dicks. All right.
