1.7K views Sep 2009
During a New York transit strike, Conan offers stranded pedestrians rides in a van, jokingly recreating the subway with strange rules and awkward stops.
0:00 Uh, the city's in the grips of a system-wide transit strike. 0:05 There are no subways or buses, streets are closed, cabs are impossible to get, and uh, you know, a lot of us just feel helpless. 0:15 I decided myself, I just can't sit around while millions of New Yorkers suffer. 0:20 I can't do that, you know? I can't sit up here in my ivory tower and pretend, you know, with my billions of dollars, 0:28 hundreds of dollars, uh, I can't just sit up here and pretend that nothing's happening. 0:33 I, I, I want to do some good. I wanted to get involved today and try and help, especially at this time of year, which is all about helping and giving. 0:42 So, um, ladies and gentlemen, earlier today, just a couple hours ago, I grabbed a van and I grabbed a camera crew. 0:49 They weren't mine, I just took them. Uh, they're Regis's, he's mad. 0:52 Anyway, I grabbed a ca- a van and a camera crew, and I hit the streets to help my fellow man and try and make a difference. 1:01 Here's what happened. 1:04 It's a historic day here in Manhattan. For the first time in 25 years, there's a transit strike, as you can see. 1:10 Subways are shut down, people are panicked, madness in the streets. 1:15 Well, I'm going to try and help out today. I rented this van. 1:19 I'm going to give people a lift. It's a real beauty. I call it the Black Beast. 1:27 You know, it's not, uh, it's not perfect. I've tried to recreate a New York City, uh, subway experience for people, so I urinated over most of the seats, and, uh, I'm gonna have a weird hobo sit in the back. 1:42 Hi, what's your name? 1:43 Uh, Aaron. 1:44 Aaron, and you are? 1:45 Sarah. 1:46 And where are you guys headed? 1:47 The 34th Street. 1:49 I've got a van waiting right here for you. Look at that, look at that. 1:51 Doesn't that look nice? Look at that. 1:52 I love it. 1:53 Isn't that a nice van? 1:54 Amazing. 1:54 And I will, uh, I will take care of your luggage, OK? Let me just... 1:59 I'm gonna get this in the van. Just get this back opened up. 2:02 Do you want to open that door? 2:03 Which door? 2:04 This one right here! This thing is heavy! 2:07 Are you in your assigned seats? 2:09 Yes. 2:09 OK. Where are you going again? You're going to 34th Street? 2:12 Yep. 2:13 I'll ask you to keep your hands inside the window at all times. 2:16 Is that okay? 2:17 That's all right. 2:17 Sure. 2:18 That's fine. All right, I'm going to need to inspect your luggage. 2:20 It's part of FAA regulations. Is that fine? 2:23 Sure. 2:23 You don't mind if I open up your bag? All right, what's going on here? 2:26 What is this? What is this all about? 2:28 Uh, boxers. 2:30 These are boxers? 2:30 Yep. 2:31 Is this usually what he wears? 2:33 Uh, usually for about a month, yeah. 2:35 A month? 2:36 All right, nice. What do you do? 2:38 I do public relations. 2:39 Public relations? 2:40 Yep. 2:40 Very nice. Maybe you could help me out. 2:42 Maybe. 2:43 Yeah, I have a problem. People seem to think I'm odd. 2:46 Uh-oh. 2:46 Sometimes I come across a little gay on TV. Not that that's bad. 2:50 Well, we could, uh, get you in a few good, uh, publications to kind of represent a different side, maybe the more manly side, men's fitness. 2:57 You could get me into men's fitness? 2:58 On the front cover of Men's Fitness. 3:12 Streets bare. 3:16 Everybody's staying inside, too afraid to come out. 3:21 Hasn't been like this since the Tony Danza show premiered. 3:26 Would you like me to give you a ride? Where are you from? 3:29 From, uh, Connecticut. 3:30 Okay, great. All right, I will carry you into the van. How would you like that? 3:34 This is my dream. 3:35 Oh! 3:36 I can't believe it. 3:37 Oh, okay. All right, you gotta, gotta get the door. Hold on, I got. 3:41 Thank you, thank you. 3:42 Gotta get the, get the door. Thank you. 3:44 Don't hurt yourself. 3:44 This is, I want you to make nice with the other people. This is Risa. 3:47 Hi, you guys. 3:48 Risa, okay. OK, right up here, Risa. There you go. You pass that forward? 3:53 I need to inspect it. 3:55 OK, what is this? Is this a 3:56 That's lip gloss. 3:57 Lip gloss. Do you mind? 3:59 Not at all. 3:59 I don't have a cold or anything. 4:05 I, uh, I have a cold sore that comes up like once every 6 months. 4:10 You'll, uh, but you won't 4:11 Me too. 4:11 mind it that much. 4:12 No. 4:12 You do, you too. 4:15 Where are you folks from? 4:16 We're from Ireland. 4:17 You're from Ireland? Oh, hey, how are you? Connor O'Brien. Uh, where are you trying to go? 4:21 Uh, we're going down to Chelsea. 4:23 'Twas Christmas Eve in the drum tank, an old man said to me, let's see another one. 4:35 I'm leaving you guys off at the Blarney Stone right here. 4:38 If only I'd wore my leprechaun. 4:41 Would either of you ladies like a ride? The dogs are not welcome, but we could tie them to a sign or a post. 4:47 Come back to them another time. Right here. That's my old apartment right there. 4:50 I, I, uh, Miss Second, I'm showing them my old apartment! 4:56 Uh, this is where I, I, uh, I lived here. Hello. I lived here when I 5:00 I was working on uh, Saturday Night Live back in the late 80s. 5:03 I lived right there, and that was my bedroom window right there. 5:06 See that window? 5:07 Yeah. 5:08 And I could hear people going through the trash at night. Uh, twice it was my father looking for women's underwear. 5:16 It's weird. There's a guy on a Segway right there. Look at that guy. 5:21 He's from the future. He just ate a turkey dinner pill, and now he's on his Segway. 5:26 He's headed to his aerial pad for a quick trip to Mars. Okay, uh, Aaron has to go to the bathroom. 5:34 All right, well, you go ahead and see if you can use the bathroom. 5:37 Hey, how you doing? We're offering people rides. What you doing? 5:48 Hello? Hiya. 5:52 It's high school all over again. Need a ride anywhere? Are you OK? 5:57 She's good? OK. Ladies, no likey pony. Anybody got food back there? 6:03 I got some hot chocolate right here. 6:06 What, you have hot chocolate? 6:07 We do. 6:07 Yeah. 6:07 How long have you had that for? 6:09 The whole time. 6:09 You've had hot chocolate the whole time, and you've never mentioned it? 6:13 You didn't search the code. 6:16 I'm not getting anything. What do you have to, what's the secret? 6:19 Yeah, that's, you know, like, pop that top off or just twist it off. 6:23 Oh, I look like an idiot there. Oh, it just pop, oh, I didn't know. 6:29 Kids and your, what's this? This is like from Sharper Image, right? 6:32 I bet you got an iPod Shuffle. 6:36 Got some kind of Xbox in your back pocket. In my day, we just drank cocoa out of a mug, but no, you've got a special container with the, with top. 6:49 A thousand bottles of beer. Hey, hey, what you doing? 6:55 What you doing? I get you. You're crazy, you son of a bitch. 6:59 I'll pop a tab in your ass so fast you'll think it was Halloween when it was Thanksgiving. 7:05 Made no sense. 7:06 We have a van here. We're giving people rides, uh, into the city, and we're giving people rides. 7:10 We give you a ride home if you want. Where do you live? 7:12 That would be great. I live all the way in Bayside, Queens, so the subway doesn't go there, so that would be perfect. 7:17 Yeah, Queens, that's not happening. Queens, what are you talking about? 7:21 You know what? I know this seems a little weird, but I want to get a Christmas tree while I'm down here. 7:24 I just want to buy a Christmas tree. Is that OK? Nothing wrong? 7:27 No problem. What is this protective do you? Say has no immune system. 7:32 You've been encased in this bubble at all times. 7:37 Okay, let's get this up on the roof. Sticky. Are your hands sticky? 7:41 Yeah, a little. 7:41 Terrible. You know what, uh, works? Uh, peanut butter. Peanut butter 7:45 Peanut butter. 7:45 removes the pitch from your hands. Martha Stewart taught me that just before they put her in prison. 7:50 Hey, how are you? Happy holidays. 7:52 Thank you. 7:56 Easy, huh? 7:58 Brr, brr, brr. Good kitty, good kitty. Tree, tree is 25, and then, uh, how much is it to tie it on the roof? 8:07 Free. 8:07 Oh, free? 8:08 Just for you. 8:09 Oh, hey! 8:14 Is this going on too long? 8:16 Yeah. 8:16 It's okay? All right, good. Well, it's been an incredible day, and though I did promise all of you I'd get you to your destinations, I just had what I think is a much better idea. 8:27 I think you'll be pleased. 8:30 All right, here they are, Mike Carpool, Risa, Aaron, and Sarah. 8:33 Let's have a hand for them. 8:41 Nice job. Nice job. All right, everybody, it's time for when we come back, Jim Carrey's here, stick around. 
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