Video player not working?0:000:000:00SettingsQualityAutoAudioSpeed1×CaptionsOffCreationism With Ricky GervaisDula TVFunny videos since 2008Thumbs up0Thumbs down0 Share4.2K views Apr 2009Ricky Gervais delivers a comedic breakdown of the biblical creation story in his stand-up special. Show transcript0:02I used to, uh, think we evolved from apes. Um, Darwin's theory of evolution through natural selection s- seemed pretty watertight, but in d- in doing research for this show, um, I- I came across a theory,0:15um, that deviates from Darwin's, and and I believe that it's- I just found it in a dusty old book in a in a library.0:22It's called the Bible.0:27And, uh, Darwin was wrong. Um, we didn't evolve, God made us.0:40Um,0:42so I just want to explain to you exactly how that happened.0:47Okay. The first book of Moses, commonly called Genesis. Start at the beginning.0:53Um, fairly big book, but...1:00Friday, innit?1:04Lock the doors.1:07Okay. Took me 4 years to get this platform, now they listen.1:12Just think if I'd have blown it just going door to door. Right, okay.1:17Um, some of the things you- you- you'll hear, um, do sound a little bit far-fetched, I admit that.1:22I thought it was a bit, but, um, then I found out that the other name for the Bible is the Gospel, so it is all true.1:27So, luckily, clue is in the title. Okay.1:33Come on, come on, the Bible. Okay. Chapter 1.1:39In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. It doesn't go into detail, um...1:49He doesn't need to explain to you. You probably understand it because he's got a massive brain, yours is little, and he, and you go, what?1:53He goes, don't what, just trust me. I, I did. Um, and also, if he explained it to you, it would like ruin the enigma.2:02Do you know what I mean? You'd go, that's amazing. He says it's a trick, and you go, oh.2:05So it's like seeing, no, it's like if David Blaine did something and you go, that is real magic, and you go, now I'm just standing on one leg and lifting the other up.2:15Easy. So,2:18keeps his cards very close to his chest, God. Good luck, good luck to him.2:21He can do what he wants. He can do anything, so he can do what he wants.2:23Okay, here we go. In the beginning, God created the earth, and the earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the deep.2:30Bit dark, he sorted that out. And God said, let there be light, and there was light.2:35Huh? Isn't that brilliant? Eh? Oh, come on, that's amazing. He just made, he made light up.2:42Just it was dark, there was nothing before. It's not like he saw some on holiday and went, that'll be good back on Earth.2:48He made it up. Do you not, you're, he invent- there was no, there was nothing to go by.2:54It wasn't like there was Twilight and he went, let's have that a little bit brighter.2:57He...2:59He just went, let there be light, and there wa- and at the speed of light, he didn't go, let there be light.3:02Come on, I'm busy. It's the first day. I've got a lot to do.3:04I've only got 7 days. It just, do you know what I mean? And he probably didn't have to say it.3:08He did say it, but he could have gone, that's exactly what I was thinking of.3:11Brilliant. Do you know what I mean?3:14Come on, he's amazing. What are you... Free your minds. Listen.3:18Right, okay. So he did the light, invented it, which means that he created the heaven and the earth in the dark.3:27Fucking how...3:31How good is that? I'd have gone, right, let's have a little bit of light observation, let's see what we're doing.3:36Right.3:38I need some planets. Um.3:43He went, that's everything, let's have a look. Brilliant.3:49And God saw the light and saw that it was good, even though he says so himself.3:54Um,3:56well, no, it is good, but just there's pride in your work, then there's arrogance.4:07You know, we we'd all like to write our own reviews. Uh, okay.4:14And lo, Javees was not only a handsome man, but a funny fucker.4:19Maybe I'll do me own. Who knows? Okay. Anyway, called the light day, called the darkness night.4:23Um, that's uh, chapter 1, did all those things. Chapter 2, he did uh, swarming things that swarmeth, creepy things that creepeth, all that, um, all the beasts of the field, uh, made man.4:34Different method here. He could have said let there be man. There would have been man, definitely.4:37But um, he made him out of some dust just because he can. Well, we didn't even do that, right?4:43Done. It's a man. Uh, what, do you want a woman? Yeah, you can make out some dust.4:47No, one of your ribs.4:50Just... You can't do that.4:56All right.4:58So. Brilliant.5:02And uh, he made them, put them in the garden, and ate all the animals, and they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.5:08Okay, brilliant. He's done well there. Um, now...5:13Chapter 3, and I'm not... I'm not having a go at him because he is brilliant, but in my humble opinion, I think the snake was a mistake.5:23Okay, chapter 3.5:27His difficult third series.5:35It's gonna get criticized, whatever, ain't it?5:42After all the good he did in 1 and 2. Chapter 3. Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made, and he said unto the woman, it's a talking snake,5:51did I not? Yeah.5:52Oh yeah.5:53What, you don't believe you can make a talking snake? You having a laugh?5:57Of course he can do anything. Um, and perfect diction as well.6:03Not a mumbling snake. Why, he didn't make on that snake, oh fucking I've got a cleft palate, why did I do that?6:13Perfect.6:15Again, that's how I wanted it. Right.6:21And it speaks English.6:24Which is lucky for me, because I'd be fucked. I don't, I don't, I don't speak another language.6:29Yeah. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said you shall not eat of every tree of the garden?6:35And the woman said unto the serpent, she's talking back, she knows no better.6:40And the woman said unto the serpent, we may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden, but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, ye shall not eat of it,6:48neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. And the serpent said unto the woman, getting quite chatty now.6:57And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die, for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.7:07He's saying, well, OK, it's not strictly true. He's, he's pulling the wool over your eyes a little bit there because he doesn't want you to have this sort of knowledge.7:14He doesn't want you to lose your innocence, so you won't die.7:17She believes the snake. She, she eats the apple. She gives it to Adam, and um, the snake's right, and they don't die, but their eyes are opened and they're embarrassed by their nakedness,7:27and they cover themselves up. God comes along, he sees this, he's furious.7:32Ooh.7:35He goes, what are you wearing clothes for in the Garden of Eden?7:38I go, embarrassed and that. He goes, well, take them on. No.7:44What? I was looking at them.7:50I made them big so I could see them from heaven. No, you...7:55Who told you about the apple? She goes, the snake stitched it right up.8:01So God goes mental. Um, and uh, you know, he's, he's firm but fair.8:06Well, you don't, if he loses his rag, he can do anything. So he starts handing out punishments.8:11Um, the punishment he gives to the man is that, uh, he'll have to toil the field from now on.8:16He won't get manna from heaven. Um, punishment he gives to, uh, Eve, womankind, is that she'll have terrible pain in childbirth.8:24Um, the punishment he gives to the snake, who fucked up everything, remember?8:31The punishment he gave to the snake was,8:34ye shall crawl on your belly all your days. Not really a punishment for a snake.8:44I bet it couldn't believe its luck.8:48Stand there going, I'm, I'm in fucking trouble.8:51And you, you have to crawl on your belly. But I already, oh no.8:55Oh, ooh. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you've done me. Yeah, yeah.9:01Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're even now, yeah. That's uh, I asked for that.9:05Okay, cheers. See you later. Oh, how does this work again? Oh, ow, oh, I'm being punished.9:13Oh, this is, this is rubbish. I wish I could fly like normal.9:20I don't know, I don't know why he put the snake there, particularly one that talks and blabs, do you know what I mean?9:25Or don't have the tree there, one or the other. It's an accident waiting to happen, isn't it?9:30Where was he, by the way, when this was happening? He's meant to be everywhere.9:33When the snake came up to Eve and went to the, why didn't he go, fuck off, shut up, don't listen to that.9:38Fuck off. Just over it, ah, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.9:45Just keep an eye on it, or make it all and then go to Eve, right, Eve, come here, right, that apple, right, I wouldn't lie, I'm God, right, it will kill you.9:53Oh, by the way, if a snake comes and talks to you, he's a lying little shit.
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