3.5K views Nov 2009
An Onion News Network report mocks Modern Warfare 3 as a realistic military game, with players hauling supplies, waiting for orders, doing paperwork, and getting homesick.
0:06 The newest entry in the Call of Duty video game series, Modern Warfare 2, is being praised for its ultra realistic gaming experience. 0:13 Yet developers are already putting the finishing touches on Modern Warfare 3, which they say will be the most true to life military game ever created, with the majority of gameplay spent hauling equipment and filling out paperwork. 0:25 Onion News Network tech trends reporter Jeff Tate has more. 0:29 Thanks, Glenn. Whether you're waiting around for orders or cleaning mud off of Humvees, the real life military action in Modern Warfare 3 never stops. 0:43 Players take on the role of Private Keyshawn Lewis, a 19-year-old from Clayton, Missouri, who is thrust onto the front lines after the car dealership where he works closes. 0:52 Gamers will stand guard outside a photorealistic warehouse for hours, dig 10 foot deep holes in the immaculately rendered sand, and sit around complaining about how bad the cell phone reception is. 1:03 Man, I get no service out here. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah. 1:08 When you're playing the game, you are a US Army private. You're gonna do things like, um, avoiding cleaning the mess hall, waiting for the undershirts your mom said she sent you 3 months ago. 1:16 The beta testers I spoke with were impressed with the game's realism. 1:20 You have to drive the supply truck from this village to some other village, and then once you get there, they say the order was messed up, so you drive all the way back. 1:28 I just got past the mission where you do the photo ops for the Thanksgiving news stories, but now I'm stuck at the part where you have to settle a debate between 2 soldiers about whether they'd rather have sex with Jessica Biel or Shakira. 1:39 No, man, because Shakira's got the moves that Jessica Biel could never have, because she's a trained dancer. 1:44 You mean if Jessica Biel were standing right there, you wouldn't go for it? 1:47 Not if Shakira was right there. 1:48 I'm at the stage right now where you get homesick and you go out into the desert and just sort of, uh, stare at nothing. 1:54 It's intense. 1:55 Modern Warfare 3 also boasts totally authentic gun-blazing action. 1:59 I was just standing there, and I got shot in the back, and now I guess the game's over. 2:03 In the final levels, Keyshawn returns home, and there's even more excitement. 2:07 Players are approached by waves of people asking how hot it was and how many people they killed. 2:12 You have to face down a college student who keeps asking you if it was like Black Hawk Down. 2:15 And developers are also creating bonus downloadable missions like Redeployment Germany, where players repair Humvees for 10 hours a day. 2:23 For the Onion News Network, I'm Jeff Tate. 2:25 Thanks, Jeff. Infinity Ward is also developing a version of the game for the Wii, which will come packaged with a 17 pound controller shaped like an M249 machine gun that you must carry at all times, 2:36 but cannot fire without explicit orders. And still to come, Congress has agreed to go on the same cell phone plan to save money. 
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