1.2K views Feb 2010
The Onion News Network reports on a fictional Minnesota bill banning loveless marriages, as indifferent couples protest and a legal expert discusses its consequences.
0:06 In Minnesota, activists are out in full force today to protest a new bill that would ban marriage between people who don't love each other. 0:12 Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty expressed his intention to sign the bill earlier this week, saying, quote, I believe the definition of marriage is a union between two people who love each other. 0:21 In addition to outlawing future loveless unions, the so-called Purity of Marriage Act would also nullify an estimated 53% of marriages in Minnesota. 0:29 Loveless couples gathered at the state capital today to voice their opinion that all couples have a right to be married, not just those who can stand each other's company. 0:37 Beth and I have been sitting silently in front of the TV set for 20 years. 0:41 You can't tell me that's not marriage. 0:43 Our feelings of codependence are just as strong as a happy couple's love. 0:46 Just because I talk to her less than I talk to the dog, that doesn't mean that what we have isn't marriage. 0:51 We didn't choose to feel nothing for each other. That's just the way we are. 0:55 Joining us now from Saint Paul is Onion News Network legal expert Olivia Walker. 0:58 Hi, Damon. 0:59 Well, Olivia, this is a real surprise since Minnesota has long been considered a real mecca for loveless couples. 1:03 Right, the state is full of bland suburbs and buffet restaurants serving endless piles of food, 1:08 Yeah. 1:08 which loveless couples use to fill the void in their hearts. 1:10 Where is the support for this bill coming from? 1:12 Well, the bill supporters say for too long they've had to watch these people flaunt their lovelessness, bickering over which peanut butter to buy in grocery stores 1:20 Mm-hmm. 1:20 and violently brushing lint off of each other's jackets. 1:22 So to them, these miserable couples offend the very idea of marriage. 1:25 That's right. There have been reports from around the state of loveless couples suffering harassment, 1:29 That's a shame. 1:30 even vandalism. 1:31 Olivia, what about the people who argue that loveless couples can still live together unhappily, 1:34 Right. 1:34 even if their sexless unions aren't technically considered marriage? 1:38 Well, marriage has legal implications as well. For instance, if one member of a loveless couple got sick, their spouse could no longer visit them in the hospital to berate them about how much that medical bill was going to cost. 1:49 Well, Olivia, not so long ago, loveless couples felt they had to hide, but the crowds there today show that many people are now comfortable with being openly indifferent to their spouses. 1:57 That's right. As recently as the 1970s, loveless couples were sent to camps 2:01 Yeah. 2:02 where it was believed they could be cured of their lovelessness by undergoing group therapy and sharing exercises. 2:07 But even if the Minnesota law passes, loveless marriage activists will almost certainly try to bring this one before the Supreme Court. 2:12 Right, and there it could face a lot of opposition. 2:15 Yeah. 2:15 At least 4 of the justices are rumored to be in loveless marriages themselves. 2:19 Yeah, well, thanks for the update, Olivia. And later in the hour, we'll talk to our economics expert Joshua Russell, who says a ban on loveless marriage could cripple the already flagging cruise ship industry. 2:28 But first, Shia LaBeouf has signed a deal with Paramount to ruin another one of your childhood memories. 
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