Video player not working?0:000:000:00SettingsQualityAutoAudioSpeed1×CaptionsOffThe Sad Truth About The Typical American RelationshipDula TVFunny videos since 2008Thumbs up0Thumbs down0 Share1.8K views Feb 2010A woman sarcastically maps out a typical American couple’s life, from courtship and marriage through children, retirement, and a dull old age. Show transcript0:08Hey you, some guy. It's me, some girl. I guess we might as well have a life together.0:14We're on a schedule here. I'm in my mid to late 20s. You're 2 years older than me.0:19We're at about the same level of attractiveness. We have comparable educations.0:23I need to mate, and you'll probably do as well as anyone else.0:27Let's begin this typical courtship process, shall we? You want sex?0:31Fine. Roll around on me for a while. Whatever gets this moving.0:36I guess we should go to some movies and maybe a concert or two.0:41That was nice. Now let's get in a fight and then make up. Good.0:45Now let's go camping. While camping, let's take some pictures of us camping that we can hang up in our cubicles to remind us of the time we went camping.0:53That will be a cherished memory. Okay, I guess it's time to move into an apartment together.0:59Let's live in this apartment for a year. Let's go to a Memorial Day barbecue at my parents' house.1:05Good. Time to get married. When you propose, don't try to do anything cute like putting the ring in my wine glass or having a sports mascot bring it to me at a ball game.1:15It's all been done before, and you are not a very creative person.1:21Just get down on a knee and get it over with. New Year's Eve works fine for me.1:26Our wedding will take place a year and a half from your proposal.1:29It doesn't really take that long to set up a wedding. I just want to relish the fact that I am getting married for as long as I possibly can.1:37During that time, I will be the center of attention. Sadly, this will be the highlight of my life.1:43I have no aspirations to write a great book that will change the way people think.1:47I don't want to travel the world and witness the majesty and diversity of foreign lands.1:51I don't want to dedicate my life to intellectual or philosophical pursuits in an attempt to take my mind places that no one else has ever gone.1:58I just want to look skinnier in my dress than my bridesmaids.2:01Okay, that's done. After the wedding, I will take a year to reflect upon the wedding.2:07Soon, everyone will tire of my wedding talk, and I will no longer be the center of attention.2:12It is time for us to buy a house so that I have something else to talk about.2:16It will be a 3-bedroom ranch home with a semi-finished basement.2:20You will turn the basement into a rec room with a bar. This will be pointless, as you will rarely see your friends anymore, and when you do, they will have neither the desire nor the time to go down and drink in our basement because they'll have mated too.2:32Your masculine rec room will soon be cluttered with children's toys and my infrequently used exercise equipment.2:38When people stop talking to me about our house, I will decide that we should have children.2:43I will take the fun out of sex by incorporating science and scheduling our intimacy around my ovulation cycle.2:49We will conceive. When I am pregnant, I will have something to talk to people about again, and everyone will pay attention to me.2:56I will act as if I am the first pregnant person ever. Eventually, I will give birth, just as billions have done before me.3:05Our children will be adequate, but not spectacular. You will want them to be athletes, but they will lack the size and skill.3:12I will want them to be creative, but they will lack the talent and drive.3:16We will move into a larger house to accommodate our growing family.3:20You will build a deck off the back of the house that we will use twice a summer.3:23We will briefly contemplate an above-ground pool, but in the end we'll decide against it, citing cost and practicality.3:30There will be several dogs. We will vacation. Myrtle Beach will be our destination of choice, though we will be no strangers to Orlando.3:41Our children will leave, and we will move into a condo, citing cost and practicality.3:46We will retire. Now the waiting truly begins. Our children will provide us with unremarkable grandchildren.3:53We will photograph them and discuss them at length. You will die of heart complications.3:59Your funeral will be relatively well attended and will last for just over 1 hour.4:03Following it, some of us will go back to the condo where there will be a tray of cold cuts for sandwiches.4:09I will remain for 8 more years, watching television and slipping away into dementia.4:15I will die. Doctors will call it natural causes, but in reality, I will have semi-consciously willed myself to stop breathing out of boredom and defeat.4:23It will be done. You can pick me up at 8.
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