2.5K views Dec 2009
Patton Oswalt performs a stand-up routine mocking the dark plot of the Christmas song “Christmas Shoes,” about a boy buying shoes for his dying mother.
0:00 Um, Christmas has come and gone, but boy, one thing about Christmas will not leave me alone, and that is a song that they play at Christmas time. 0:10 It is the eeriest, most horrific Christmas song I've ever heard, and I like Christmas music, so I'm not against Christmas music. 0:17 I'm against this dark, disturbing song, and it's called Christmas Shoes, and it's a... 0:25 Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Jesus God. The song is called Christmas Shoes, and it's by a Christian group called New Song, which I don't know why, why would you name your group New Song? 0:37 You're just gonna be living in an Abbott Costello routine for the rest of your life. 0:41 Yeah, we got a new song. By who exactly? What? Oh, fuck this. 0:45 So... 0:49 Song is called Christmas Shoes, and um, and I'm gonna take you through it. 0:54 Um, very briefly. So the first verse of the song is, it was almost Christmas time. 1:01 There I stood in another line, just trying to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood. 1:08 Oh, there's a guy in line at a store, he's a little cranky. He's a little cranky at Christmas time. 1:14 Meh. 1:17 And by the way, I'm going to recite these lyrics because the dude that sings it, sings it like this. 1:22 It was almost Christmas time, there was the... 1:27 Because that's his way of saying, look, I'm singing in a Christian rock band. 1:31 Ladies, make no mistake, I will lay the fucking pipe into you. 1:34 Do not... If I get you back in my room at the La Quinta Inn next to this state fair where we're playing, God's telephone pole will have you chanting the sick evening prayer, so. 1:52 All right, so that's first person. The guy in line is a little cranky. 1:54 Now, standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously, 2:02 pacing around the way little boys do, and in his hand he held a pair of shoes. 2:08 Okay, little kid in front of him holding a pair of shoes. Here comes the next verse. 2:14 His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe. 2:18 So he's like a Dickensian street urchin 2:23 in a world full of hand sanitizers. He's, have you got a hay penny, sir? 2:29 Then how about a smile. 2:39 And when it came his time to pay, I couldn't believe what I heard him say. 2:43 Here comes the chorus of the song. Chorus starts off pretty good, then it takes a hard left turn into Assholeville. 2:52 So hang on, get your seatbelts on. 2:57 Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please. It's Christmas Eve, and these shoes are just her size. 3:06 That's sweet. He's buying shoes for his ma- that's really nice. 3:11 Hang on. 3:15 Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time. 3:22 She's been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes will make her smile, and I want her to look beautiful if mama meets Jesus tonight. 3:39 The kid's mom is dying. He is buying her shoes, so when she gets to heaven, by the way, I missed the part of the Bible where Jesus is really bitchy and catty about people's footwear when they get to the pearly gates. 3:54 You're not getting into heaven in those, honey. No, I'm sorry. 3:58 I... 4:00 I died for your sins, but those pumps are unforgivable. 4:07 Paul Linda all of a sudden. 4:14 All right, so he's buying shoes for his mom on Christmas Eve. 4:18 Here comes the next verse. He counted pennies for what seemed like years. 4:24 He's paying for the shoes with fucking pennies. Pennies. 4:30 Then the clerk said, son, there's not enough here. What kind of psychotic asshole hears that this kid's mom is dying? 4:41 He's paying in pennies. 4:42 Yeah, you're 6 cents short, how about that? Yeah, life's a bitch, isn't it? 4:47 That's not our policy here at Fashion Bug. I don't know what to tell you. 4:51 That 6 cents comes right out of my paycheck. I can't, I can't help you. 5:00 And then, I'm not going to recite the rest of these goddamn lyrics. 5:03 The little kid turns around to the guy in line and goes, I don't know how I'm going to buy these shoes. 5:09 Which now it starts to sound like a scam, like maybe the kid, they're just going to, the kid and his dad are going to different stores. 5:17 The dad's out in the parking lot in a beat up Chevy Nova with a trunk just filled with women's shoes. 5:22 They're just covered in jizz. He's like, listen, go in there. 5:27 You've got to trick a guy into buying them. I can only jerk off to these if you trick a guy into buying them. 5:34 That's what Vietnam did to me! 5:40 So then, 5:43 the guy, the grouchy guy in line, pays for the shoes, and the kid is happy, and he runs out of the store. 5:50 Now we get to the bridge of the song. The bridge will make you lose all hope that we live in a just or sane universe. 5:59 Here it comes. 6:02 I knew I caught a glimpse of heaven's love as he thanked me and ran out. 6:07 I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me of what Christmas is all about. 6:17 Let's review. 6:20 There's a guy in line. He's a little cranky on Christmas. God looks down and sees this. 6:26 Somebody in a bad mood on my son's birthday? Bullshit! Give that kid's mom cancer. 6:35 Make sure he's in front of them in line. Make him 7 cents short for the shoes. 6:41 This guy will buy them, and he'll be in a good mood. 6:47 I almost feel like Jesus is behind God going, I don't think we need to give a kid's mom, okay, you shut the fuck up. 6:54 It's gonna be the best birthday you ever had. It's gonna be the best birthday you ever had. 7:05 Buddha gave me a hand job in the hot tub. I- I'm really lost, son. 7:13 Merry Christmas, good night. 7:16 Woo! 7:18 Thanks again, Lizard. Thank you so much. 7:20 Good night. 
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