1.5K views May 2009
The Onion News Network reports on a prison cigarette shortage, absurdly tracking rising prices, black-market trades, and a stabbing over stolen supplies.
0:02 If you haven't felt the pinch yet, you will soon. As of today, the average cost of a pack of cigarettes has gone up to 2 handjobs and a stick of beef jerky. 0:10 For more, we go now to Onion News Network prison economics expert Hal Rogen. 0:13 Hal, I never thought I'd see the day when cigarettes cost more than 1 handjob. 0:17 Why the sudden spike now? 0:19 Well, most analysts are tracing it back to the Brothers Pious's pop off at San Quentin Friday. 0:22 Right. 0:23 The lockdown that resulted there cut cigarette imports up to 66% across the West Coast system. 0:27 That's a much steeper drop off than anyone saw coming. 0:29 Oh, you better believe it, but of course we shouldn't discount the recent influx of punks at Chino. 0:33 Of course. 0:33 According to reports, more than 80% of these fish were greeners, willing to give 2 hand jobs and a stick of beef jerky for a pack of Rollies. 0:39 And their exuberance is what's causing the increases we're seeing in so many other sectors today, from Baby Oil to tasers to chestnuts, car from bars and soap. 0:45 Yes, absolutely. Look, the prison economy runs on cigarettes. 0:47 Of course. 0:47 They're involved in every economic transaction at some stage, 0:50 Mm. 0:50 from contract killings to naked woman picture acquisition. 0:52 Right. 0:53 That's why we've got shampoo at 6 batteries. 0:54 Whoa. 0:55 We've got tattoos at 50 commissary stamps, slocks at a stick in a muff bag. 0:58 That's incredible. 0:59 Yes. 0:59 How nervous are investors at this point? 1:00 Well, it's hard to tell since most of them have trained themselves to never show fear, 1:03 Of course. 1:03 but clearly there were a lot of jitters across the market this morning after reports came that the impending Chiva deal between Rico Perez and Bones Gorman was called off after a pigeon told hacks to put Bones on shit watch. 1:14 Now, for what it's really like out there in the market, let's check in with major cigarette trader Big Dap Ramirez. 1:18 Big Dap, nice to see you again. 1:19 Thanks, Rick. Good to see you. What's happening, huh? 1:21 How's it going, Big Dap? 1:22 Now, it's obviously a boom time for cigarettes right now. 1:25 I am getting a lot of hand jobs. 1:26 But with prices this high, analysis shows you're going to be seeing a drop off in real sales soon as consumers turn to smoking grass fajos. 1:31 Look, we've been through this before. The market teaches us not to panic. 1:33 Mm. 1:33 But if I learn anything in this game, it's that a wife or girlfriend will pass off a few decks in the boneyard. 1:38 Supply will normalize, and we'll see cigarettes returning to a single hand job or less. 1:42 So Big Dap, in the interim, what are investors like yourself supposed to do? 1:46 All I can say is monitor your assets carefully. 1:48 Mm. 1:49 This morning I got stabbed with a sharpened toothbrush by this bitch Django who tried to crib my supply. 1:54 I fucked him up bad in the library, but hey, that's the way the market's going to be for a while. 1:58 It is. 1:58 All right, Big Dap, best of luck to you. We'll keep checking in on the story with Hal throughout the day. 2:03 Thanks, Rick. 2:03 Moving on to some happier news, in Atlanta today, 2 snitches were beaten to death. 
