Video player not working?0:000:000:00SettingsQualityAutoAudioSpeed1×CaptionsOffReligion Is BullshitDula TVFunny videos since 2008Thumbs up0Thumbs down0 Share1.5K views Nov 2009George Carlin delivers a stand-up routine criticizing religion, prayer, and the idea of a divine plan before explaining why he worships the sun. Show transcript0:00But in the bullshit department, in the bullshit department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.0:07Because I got to tell you the truth, folks. I got to tell you the truth.0:10When it comes to bullshit, big time major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe, in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.0:26No contest. No contest.0:30Religion, religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told.0:37Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man0:45living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day.0:50And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do.0:57And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time.1:13But he loves you.1:25He loves you, and he needs money.1:30He always needs money. He's all powerful, all perfect, all knowing, and all wise, somehow just can't handle money.1:41Religion takes in billions of dollars. They pay no taxes, and they always need a little more.1:48Now, you talk about a good bullshit story, holy shit.2:02But,2:05thank you very much.2:08But I want you to know, I want you to know something. This is sincere.2:12I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried.2:16I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things.2:27I really tried to believe that, but I got to tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize something is fucked up.2:35Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the icecapades.2:45Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed.2:53Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being.2:57This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.3:02And just between you and me, in between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all powerful ass a long time ago.3:11By the way, I say this guy because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.3:19No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, so,3:27if, if, if there is a God, if there is, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit.3:41Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person and which would explain a lot of these bad results.3:46So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit,3:58I decided to look around for something else to worship, something I could really count on, and immediately I thought of the sun.4:06Happened like that. Overnight, I became a sun worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night.4:14The first thing the next morning,4:17I became a sun worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun.4:23Okay.4:26Yes. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun.4:31I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, kind of helps the credibility along, you know?4:37So every day I can see the sun as it gives me everything I need: heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey, at least there are no crucifixions,4:50and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.4:55Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for Money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing.5:07And the best thing, the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy.5:13Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved, hasn't said an unkind word, treats me fine.5:20So I worship the sun, but I don't pray to the sun. Know why?5:26I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite. I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you?5:32Asking help, trillions and trillions of prayers every day, asking and pleading and begging for favors.5:37Do this, give me that, I need a new car, I want a better job.5:41And most of this praying takes place on Sunday, his day off.5:46It's not nice, and it's no way to treat a friend. But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things.5:53You know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch. Your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall.6:01But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store.6:06You know, the one with the eye patch and the club foot, huh?6:10Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine, pray for anything you want, pray for anything, but what about the divine plan?6:20Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago, God made a divine plan, gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice, and for billions and billions of years,6:31the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something.6:36Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in God's divine plan.6:40What do you want him to do? Change his plan just for you? Then it seem a little arrogant?6:46It's a divine plan. What's the use of being God if every rundown schmuck with a 2 dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan?6:53And here's something else, another problem you might have. Suppose your prayers aren't answered.6:58What do you say? Well, it's God's will. Thy will be done. Fine, but if it's God's will and he's going to do what he wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place?7:08Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to his will?7:15It's all very confusing. So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun.7:21But as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to?7:25Joe Pesci.7:27Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons. First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay?7:34To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done.7:40Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. Doesn't fuck around. In fact,7:48in fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.7:52For years, I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog.7:57Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.8:06So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now,8:10and I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci are being answered at about the same 50% rate.8:21Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50.8:26Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the mojo man, same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles.8:36It's all the same, 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.8:44And for those of you who look to the Bible for moral, uh, lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you.8:51Uh, you might want to look at The Three Little Pigs. That's a good one.8:55Has a nice happy ending. I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the big bad wolf actually eats the grandmother,9:04which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty.9:13The part I like the best, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.9:19That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God.9:23None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna, I'm gonna put it this way.9:30If there is a God, if there is a God, may he strike this audience dead.9:38See, nothing happened. Nothing happened. Everybody's OK. All right, tell you what.9:45Tell you what. I'll raise the stakes. I'll raise the stakes a little bit.9:49If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See, nothing happened.9:54Oh, wait, got a little cramp in my leg, and my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind.10:02I'm blind. Oh, now I'm OK again. Must have been Joe Pesci, huh?10:06God bless Joe Pesci.10:07Thank you all very much. Joe, bless you. Thank you very much.10:11I appreciate it.
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