2.1K views Mar 2010
Jim Jefferies delivers a stand-up routine mocking religious beliefs about death, heaven, hell, creationism, and the Bible while riffing with the audience.
0:01 I'm not afraid of dying if I do get AIDS or something like that. 0:04 I don't give a fuck. I hate life. I've never enjoyed one moment on this planet. 0:10 I don't want to live forever. The only people who want to live... 0:12 I'm not worried about dying because I'm an atheist, right? Uh, now I know that this is a Christian country, and I, I stand up for your right to be religious, but please know that you're wrong, 0:22 right? Please know that you're living in a fantasy land and that after you die, nothing happens. 0:31 Stop being a fucking child. I, like, I'm not, I'm not scared of dying because I'm an atheist. 0:37 I know I'll just rot in the ground, right? I won't even know I'm dead. 0:40 Do you want to know why? Because I'll be fucking dead. 0:46 Religious people worry because they believe in heaven, and if there's a heaven, there has to be a hell, and everyone who's read that book knows that you've done enough shit to go to hell, 0:54 right? And that makes it very stressful on your deathbed, doesn't it? 0:58 Knowing what a prick you are, going, oh, this isn't gonna be good. 1:01 I... I don't want to go to heaven. I, I don't even want the option of heaven. 1:05 I don't want to exist in a conscious state for the rest of eternity, constantly thinking. 1:10 I don't like thinking as it is. Where's me passport? Can't punch women in the face. 1:19 The Bible. The Bible calls heaven eternal bliss. I don't care how blissful it is, it's eternal. 1:24 You'll get used to it, and then you'll be fucking bored. 1:30 And what's hell meant to be like? Fire and brimstone and eternal agony? 1:34 That's what's written in the Bible. That's God's book. As far as I know, the devil hasn't brought out a book. 1:43 We don't know his side of the argument, right? If you ask me, the devil and God are having an argument. 1:47 The devil's being a bigger fucking man, because God's just writing shit about him, and the devil's going, I'm not even going to fucking comment, son, if you talk about me like that. 2:05 Let's, let's think about this rationally, right? Which isn't a good point for the Christians, rational thought. 2:12 Fire and brimstone and eternal agony, that's what's meant, hell meant to be like. 2:15 That's written in the Bible. Now, God runs the entire universe except for one place, which is run by hell, and the devil, which is run by the devil. 2:23 Now the devil is his biggest enemy, and they don't get along whatsoever, right? 2:27 Now, if you act bad, you go to hell, right? Now you've lied, you've cheated, you've stole, you've been a prick your entire life. 2:35 Why would the devil punish you? You're one of his boys. 2:41 He's gonna fucking dig you. 2:44 That's where all the hookers and drugs are gonna be. Don't think they're gonna make their way into heaven. 2:48 Don't think God's gonna open the gate and go, Jim, you've been such a good guy. 2:52 See this big titted whore with a line of coke on her? Knock yourself out, son. 3:02 And what's meant to happen when you die and go to heaven? You see a big bright light. 3:06 You walk towards the light. What's at the end of the light? All your dead relatives. 3:13 Well, whoopty fucking do. You ever spent a weekend at your grandparents' house? 3:20 It's fucking shit. 3:23 You'd be out there for an hour going, wish all me friends would die. 3:28 Be out there meeting everyone. Hello, Nana. Hello, Granddad. 3:33 Hello, uncle who used to touch me. 3:39 How did you get up here? 3:44 Oh, that's right, you used to work for the church. 3:57 You hear that little groan when I said that, when I said you have to work for the church? 4:01 It's because religious people are in the crowd, and they don't like hearing facts. 4:06 That's a fact. There's been pedophiles in the Catholic Church. 4:09 It's been on 60 Minutes, fucking fact. But I say, and it's like, oh no, no, because you religious people will forgive God for fucking anything. 4:22 If he he in their mind, he does good things, rainbows, children's laughter, shit like that, right? 4:28 But when he does bad things like hurricanes, AIDS, cancer, child molestation, then we just go, oh well, God works in mysterious ways. 4:39 What type of an excuse is that? What, what is, what is mysterious about acting like a fucking asshole? 4:47 That is like the least mysterious activity since the dawn of time. 4:51 If, if I ever date a religious girl, she's gonna come home and I'm gonna be raping her mum, right? 4:58 And she's gonna look at me and go, what are you doing? And I'm gonna go, I'm mysterious. 5:03 I've always been mysterious. 5:11 See, religious people are just fucking stupid. There's how the world was created, which everyone, scientists and rational thinking people believe, and that's the Big Bang theory, and then evolution kicked in, 5:21 there's little microorganisms made like a tadpole, and then that tadpole learned how to walk or something, and then there was some animals in between, and then fucking monkeys, and then us. 5:31 And that's science. Then, 5:35 then there's how religious people believe it was created, and that's creationism. 5:38 They believe that, uh, God put two white people in the jungle 5:44 without sunscreen, and they fucked, and now we got people. And we got black people, Arab people, oriental people, and for the amount of inbreeding, very few retards. 5:57 It seems so plausible. 6:02 See, the fact is that there's evolution in the Bible, right? 6:06 Jesus was 4 foot 7, 4 foot 7. He was a normal sized guy. Everyone was short back then. 6:12 We're all taller now because of evolution. That's how Jesus could feed the people with 2 fish, little fucking people, big fuck off fish. 6:22 So this is Jesus here, right? He's a little tiny Arab Jew. 6:28 He looks like Super Mario. 6:35 Now, 6:37 if Jesus is this big, that means his cross was maybe, maybe that big. 6:45 Now, I'm not saying I'm better than Jesus, but if I was on that little cross, my feet would be in the ground and I'd fucking live. 6:55 So what killed Jesus cannot kill me. I am way more powerful. 7:00 Not only would I live, but I would lift the cross out of the ground and beat up all the little Roman bastards, and history would be very different. 7:10 Thousands of years before Jesus, there was a guy called Noah, and Noah built a boat, and Noah lived to be 950 years old, but they never mentioned that in sermons because we might think it's bullshit. 7:25 And Noah was thousands of years before Jesus, so Noah's about this big. 7:33 There's little Noah with his long hair and his great big beard. 7:38 He looks like a glorified chess piece. 7:45 And he built a boat, and they they put all the animals on the boat, and we had 2 of each animal, and he lived in like Afghanistan back when it was a god-loving place, and all the animals came and they all swam there and shit. 8:01 They all made it there in like a week, all the kangaroos and all that type of stuff. 8:05 Then he worked out some type of refrigeration system to keep the polar bears cold and the lions hot, and he made the door on the ark very small so the dinosaurs couldn't get in because he was a thinker. 8:22 Then he had storage areas for all their delicate diets, because we all know what picky fucking eaters pandas are. 8:31 Aren't pandas a bunch of cunts? 8:39 I'm done with pandas, and I'll tell you why, right? Every fucking living creature loves pandas. 8:45 The panda doesn't have a natural predator on the planet, and they're dying out because they're fucking dicks. 8:52 Fuck 'em, let 'em die out. The pandas don't fuck each other, therefore they don't have babies, therefore we got no fucking panda. 8:59 We- we- they're dead weight. Let's lose the fucking pandas. 9:04 We've tried. We have fucking tried. We, the human race, put pandas in cages together and try to help them fuck, but they don't. 9:12 We go, there's a panda, go fuck the panda. 9:19 And they just look at each other. 9:22 You put me in a cage with anything, 9:26 anything, and after a week I'll fuck it. 9:41 Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy too serious? 
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