1.5K views Nov 2009
George Carlin delivers a stand-up routine criticizing anti-abortion conservatives and religious leaders, using pointed jokes about the unborn, women, and political consistency.
0:03 Why, why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? 0:20 Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in favor of the unborn. 0:24 They will do anything for the unborn, but once you're born, you're on your own. 0:32 Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to 9 months. 0:36 After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear from you. 0:39 No nothing. No neonatal care, no daycare, no Head Start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. 0:44 If you're pre-born, you're fine. If you're preschool, you're fucked. 0:49 You're fucked. 0:55 Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach military age. 1:00 Then they think you are just fine, just what they've been looking for. 1:03 Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. 1:08 Pro-life, pro-life. These people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors. 1:14 What kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus, but if it grows up to be a doctor, they just might have to kill it? 1:21 They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. 1:24 Simple as it gets. Anti-woman. They don't like them. They don't like women. 1:32 They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state. 1:37 Pro-life. You don't see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? 1:44 No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? 1:47 No, that might be something Christ would do. 1:51 And you won't see, you won't see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. 1:58 You know, morally committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a goddamn demonstration, didn't they? 2:04 Huh? Hey. 2:08 They knew how to put on a fucking protest. Light yourself on fire! 2:14 Come on, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke to match that fire in your belly. 2:20 Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? 2:30 Hey. 2:33 Hey. 2:39 Are are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? 2:45 Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it. 2:50 You know why? Because chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? 2:56 No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? 3:03 When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? 3:08 Doesn't happen, because chickens are decent people. But let's get back to this abortion shit. 3:14 Now, is a fetus a human being? This seems to be the central question. 3:19 Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them? 3:23 If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage they don't have a funeral? 3:26 If a fetus is a human being, how come people say we have 2 children and 1 on the way instead of saying we have 3 children? 3:31 People say life begins at conception. I say life began about a billion years ago, and it's a continuous process. 3:36 Continuous, just keeps rolling along, rolling, rolling, rolling along. 3:42 I said, you know something? Listen, you can go back further than that. 3:46 What about the carbon atoms? Huh? Human life could not exist without carbon. 3:53 So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal? 3:58 Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion arguments. 4:02 See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. 4:06 Fertilization when the sperm fertilizes the egg, which is usually a few moments after the man says, gee, honey, I was going to pull out, but the phone rang and it startled me. 4:18 Fertilization. But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still 6 or 7 days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. 4:28 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. 4:35 They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. 4:39 So basically, what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than one period is a serial killer. 4:46 Consistency, consistency. Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned man and one of these pro-life guys who's watching cums in his pants, 4:58 huh? There's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinny's and Debbie's, and nobody's saying a word to that guy. 5:06 Not every ejaculation deserves a name. 5:11 Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of reason. 5:20 Catholics. 5:26 Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they're against homosexuals. 5:31 Well, who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ's sakes. 5:37 Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion, and the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside. 5:45 You'd think they'd make natural allies. 5:50 Go look for consistency in religion. And speaking to my friends, the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York and some of these other cardinals and bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains, 6:00 and they've raised a couple of children on a minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. 6:04 I'm sure it'll be interesting. 6:07 But, but... 6:12 In the meantime, what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar, boys. 6:19 You can do this to yourself, Father. You know? When Jesus said, suffer the little children come unto me, that's not what he was talking about. 6:33 So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people? I say, hey, hey, if you think a fetus is more important than a woman, try getting a fetus to wash the shit stains out of your underwear. 6:45 For no pay and no pension. I tell them, think of an abortion as term limits. 6:50 That's all it is, biological term limits. But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear this phrase, sanctity of life. 6:57 You've heard that, sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. 7:02 Well, I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death. 7:10 Has been for thousands of years. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all taking turns killing each other because God told them it was a good idea. 7:19 The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine. Millions of dead motherfuckers. 7:24 Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the God question. 7:28 You believe in God? No. Dead. You believe in God? Yes. You believe in my God? 7:35 No. Dead. My God has a bigger dick than your God. 7:45 Thousands of years. Thousands of years, and all the best wars too, the bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred, which is fine with me. 7:53 Hey, anytime a bunch of holy people want to kill each other, I'm a happy guy. 7:57 But don't be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life. 8:00 I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don't think it's something you can blame on God. 8:04 Now, you know where the sanctity of life came from? We made it up. 8:07 You know why? Because we're alive. Self-interest. Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is sacred. 8:15 You don't see Abbott and Costello running around talking about this shit, do you? 8:19 We're not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject. 8:22 What's the latest from JFK? Not a goddamn thing, because JFK, Mussolini, and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead. 8:29 They're fucking dead, and dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life. 8:35 Only living people care about it, so the whole thing grows out of a completely biased point of view. 8:40 It's a self-serving, man-made bullshit story. It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll feel noble. 8:46 Life is sacred, makes you feel noble. Let me ask you this, if everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in? 8:55 I'm having trouble with that. Because, I mean, even with the stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we don't practice. 
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