2K views Oct 2009
Chris Rock delivers a stand-up routine about love and relationships, joking about jealousy, arguments, and the impossible task of keeping a partner happy.
0:01 And anybody in this room that's ever been in love will testify to this shit. 0:06 If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. 0:12 If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love. 0:17 If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your head and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain't been in love. 0:25 If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain't been in love. 0:32 If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, 0:37 you ain't been in love. And the only thing that stopped you from killing this motherfucker was an episode of CSI. 0:52 Oh man, they thorough. I better make up, they might catch my ass. 0:58 That's right, man. See, relationships are hard, man. But for order for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page. 1:07 Both people have to have the same focus. That's right. And we all know what that page is. 1:11 We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work, both people had to have the same focus. 1:16 And what's that focus? The focus is all about her. 1:21 It's all about her. She's already there, fellas. She waiting for you to come aboard. 1:29 Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, fuck you. 1:36 Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans, fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you. 1:43 Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happen. 1:56 Yes. It's all about her, fellas. Say yes to everything. 2:03 Everything, everything you could afford, say yes to. Just say yes. 2:09 Before she even gets it out of her fucking mouth. Honey, can yes. 2:12 Honey, I want a yes. Honey, how about yes? Let's get a stamp. 2:15 Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Another thing, fellas, don't argue. 2:21 You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in an argument. It's impossible. 2:27 You will not win because men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing because we have a need to make sense. 2:47 Women ain't gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up their argument, 'cause she not in it for sense, she's in it for distance and irritation. 2:56 How long can I talk before this motherfucker snaps? 3:01 They want you to shake the shit out of them till you hear the cops coming. 3:05 Motherfucker, I'm serious! Motherfucker, what the fuck? Oh, shit, let me get the fuck out. 3:13 That's right. And like I said, try your best to make her happy. 3:18 Try your best! But here's one thing nobody tells you. You can't make a woman happy. 3:24 It's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. Women always complaining about something. 3:32 Shit, women like to complain. Women save up shit to complain about. 3:36 Oh, he don't even know I know, but I'm gonna get his ass on that shit next month. 3:44 They like fucking complaining. They love it. No matter what you do, she'll be mad. 3:49 You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her cum 10 times, she'll still complain. 3:55 Why you make me cum so hard? 3:59 This diamond dick is cloudy. Why don't you go to Tiffany's? She's so fucking cheap. 4:06 No matter what you do, your woman is mad at you. If you work all the time. 4:12 Why you work all the time? You ain't never home. You always leaving me. 4:17 I hate this shit. 4:20 If you home all the time, why you all up under me? Let me get some fucking room to breathe. 4:26 Damn, stop sweating me. I hate this shit. 4:31 If you make more money than her, fuck you. I want to make decisions too. 4:37 You ain't my fucking daddy. I don't need you to take care of me. 4:40 I hate this shit. If she makes more money than you, you broke motherfucker. 4:48 You never have no fucking money. Fuck this shit. I don't want to make all these decisions. 4:54 I need to be taken care of. I hate this shit. I can't take it. 5:00 And the number one reason your woman's always mad, fellas, the number one reason your woman is pissed the fuck off, 5:10 'cause you ain't her first choice. 5:15 Fellas, you ever catch a woman just looking at you but not saying nothing? 5:27 In her mind, she's thinking, how did I end up with this ugly motherfucker? 5:33 Oh Lord, this motherfucker's ugly and stupid. I had a good man, and I blew it. 5:39 Damn Lord, kill my man. Kill him, please. Kill him while I still look good enough to get something new. 5:45 Please kill this motherfucker now. Strike him, strike him. If you out there, Lord, strike this motherfucker dead. 
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