2K views Dec 2008
Demetri Martin delivers a stand-up routine about his elaborate word puzzles, quirky personal challenges, and the useless talents he developed in college.
0:00 He says to me, do you have a poncho? I don't say no, I say, not right now. 0:06 Because I do have a blanket and scissors. 0:10 At any moment, I am 4 minutes from a poncho. 0:14 If you wait here, I will be back with a sirape made out of a comforter in 4 minutes. 0:18 Even this bottle of beer, this simple object, when I look at this, what I see are words printed all over it. 0:24 In the design, in the warning on the side, in the message on the back, and I start to wonder, is there more meaning on this simple object than appears at first glance? 0:31 What if somebody took every word off this bottle and rearranged them? 0:33 Could it reveal more meaning about beer and bars, people who drink beer a lot? 0:38 That's what I did. I took every word off this. It's the first poem in your program tonight. 0:42 It's every word off of this bottle in a different order. If you haven't read it, you don't have to read it now. 0:45 Read it after the show and think of me in a bar, 0:50 alone, uncomfortable, insecure, completely lost in my mind. Which raises the question, why? 0:56 Why would a guy sit down with a napkin and a pen, a bottle of beer, and write rolling, rolling, enjoyment, taste, beer? 1:05 The answer lies in the second meaning of the word if. 1:10 If meaning although, possibly, even though. Okay? Sample sentence. 1:15 She was an enchanting, if toothless woman. 1:23 Or in my case, I spent a lot of time doing time consuming, if completely unproductive things. 1:28 By the time I got to college, I wasn't doing puzzle books anymore. 1:31 I was becoming a man, an adult. I had evolved. No more puzzle books. 1:36 Now I was making the puzzles. I went to the school paper and I said, hey, I want to do a crossword puzzle for you guys, but I feel like I've seen the flat thing done before. 1:44 I wanted more of a challenge. What about a three-dimensional crossword puzzle, like this? 1:51 You see, this goes across, down, and back. That's three ways to say I'm lonely. 1:59 I made five of these when I was in college. I spent more time on these puzzles than any class. 2:04 There is no use for these puzzles. I don't even know if there was a use when I made them. 2:09 And then when I was in class, I still had trouble paying attention. 2:12 Same problem as grade school, but now I found a sick way to up the ante. 2:16 I found a way to give myself puzzles to solve by the end of class, like this one. 2:21 It's nine variable substitution. You see, I am not a dork. If I can find a number for every letter so that this mathematically works by the end of class, I win. 2:33 And here's the solution. 2:35 A equals 5, M equals 2, K equals... And sometimes a simultaneous equation becomes true with the same numbers. 2:41 I am not a dork, I am a nerd. 2:46 I wanted to improve my vocabulary. Look, I was in college. I thought, yes, improve, continue to become better, expand your vocabulary. 2:54 If you want to do that, maybe you read some books, hang out with English teachers, become friends with a poet. 2:59 I said, no, no, no. Let's take out the middleman. I don't have time for that. 3:03 I'm going to read the dictionary all the way through, starting at the beginning, like a book, in the A's. 3:08 And every time I come to a word I don't know, highlight the word. 3:10 Then in groups of 10, I put them in this notebook. You see, so I could quiz myself 10 at a time, walking around. 3:15 I'm in the I's here, I'm in the 450s, invective, jangle, jape, intromit, walking around quizzing myself. 3:21 When someone does this, you might call them abecedarian. 3:25 More likely you're going to call them asshole. 3:29 But for me, this all sprang from a growing need to feel validated in the way I did from a puzzle book as a kid. 3:34 It was a way of feeling like, yes, I'm getting better, I'm succeeding in small increments. 3:38 But now it moved off the page of the puzzle book and into the world at large, just little challenges. 3:43 That's what it became, daily challenges, not big ones. I'm not the guy who climbs Mount Everest, you know? 3:48 No, thank you. I'm the guy who spent 2 months last year learning how to write with his left hand, forcing himself to write with his left hand. 3:55 So then I'm in a situation, I'm like, yeah, cool. You haven't broken your right hand, but you know what? 3:59 It's good to have it. Yeah, write both ways. 4:02 I end up at the bank, say, there's a cute teller filling out my deposit slip. 4:07 We flirt a little bit, slide it under the glass, and she's like, this guy's retarded. 4:13 But I'm thinking ambidextrous genius. Yes, you'll have it. 4:17 If I'm on the street and someone stops me for directions, I give them directions, but I try to do it without using my hands because it's hard, it's a challenge. 4:26 Where's the mall? Then I look sneaky. 4:31 It's over there. 4:33 Just go. 4:36 I don't do this one so much anymore, but there's a time where if I had to pee, if I had to go to the bathroom, I would hold it in. 4:43 I'd say, okay, it's a systemic challenge. Your body's telling you, urinate. 4:46 And I'm saying, no, mind over body. I don't have to pee. I'm gonna hold it in. 4:50 One time I failed that challenge. 4:54 The challenge then became, how do I explain to my boss the wet spot on the front of my pants without giving Myself away. 5:01 And I think I pulled it off because I went, man, these are some sweaty balls. 5:12 When you do this over time, daily self-imposed hurdles every day, you develop what I call a number of useless talents. 5:21 Useless talents. 5:27 Useless. 5:42 Things that are not important. 5:47 Useless talents. 5:54 Why? 5:57 Why, why? Why do that? 6:04 Why? 6:06 You could be doing something productive. 6:14 Why? 6:17 Useless talents. Useless. 6:23 Why? Why? Why? 6:32 Useless talents. 6:37 Why? Why spend so much time doing these things. 6:46 Clean your room. 6:49 Return your phone call. 6:53 Take a shower. Why? 6:59 Useless talent. Useless talent. 7:08 Hurry, hurry, try, practice. Do it. Go. 7:16 Good for you. Yeah, yeah. Hurry. 7:20 Why, why, why, why? You are not an idiot. 7:29 Useless. Less than. 7:46 A unicycle. When did I become that guy? 7:51 College, sophomore year, second semester, when I joined the Anti-Gravity Society. 7:57 You don't want to be the unicycle guy, trust me. I did my show in New York, my first run. 8:02 I'd bring my unicycle to the theater every night, and this is how people on the train would look at me. 8:10 But in college, I'm riding around campus thinking, I'm the only guy on a unicycle, when I should have been thinking, I'm the only guy on a unicycle. 8:22 But I thought, yes, you're different, you're special. Yes, you've bruised your balls a few times, but you're different. 8:28 Now I'm older, look, I'm, I'm a little wiser. I'm still obsessed with challenges, I can't change that, but they're more creative. 8:34 Painting, music, sewing. 8:42 I made these for the show, and I think the ass is crooked, am I right? 8:48 It's okay. Most recently, I took up photography. I feel like, you know, it provides a literal lens. 8:53 And I'm not saying I'm a great photographer, but I feel like I have potential, and I want to show you guys some photos I took. 9:00 This is what I'm talking about. I call this society over there. 
8:57
5:20
1:34
1:59
4:18
10:53
4:13
1:50
2:07
0:13
2:48
1:39