1.3K views Feb 2010
A mock sports broadcast profiles Packers fan Chris Lewkowski as he announces another season of drinking, despite his family's concerns and his troubled past.
0:03 Speculation is over. Wisconsin resident and Packers fan Chris Lewkowski has announced that he will return to drinking for another football season. 0:10 Following his wife's offseason threat to leave him if he didn't get help, many expected Lewkowski to give up drinking for good, but he held a press conference today to announce he's not done yet. 0:19 The Packers are my life, and drinking is my life. I think I have another couple thousand beers left in me. 0:25 Can Lewkowski push through with another good season, or are his best drinking days behind him? 0:29 If you're going to need something in the next 2 minutes, please grab it now, because you will be unable to find it once you have entered the steam room. 0:38 Welcome to the steam room. I'm Tim Devanan, alongside OSN sports analyst Marcus Kelly. 0:42 Marcus, there is no I in steam. 0:44 I know that, Tim. 0:45 Then the steam room begins now. Marcus, no question in anybody's mind that Chris Lukowski is among the all-time greats of alcohol consumption. 0:51 Absolutely right. 0:52 What's he got left to prove? 0:53 Well, quite simply, nothing, Tim. The guy's done it all. Lost jobs, destroyed property, all in the name of Packers football. 0:57 Right. 0:58 And his lifetime stats are incomparable. A 0.43 career high blood alcohol content 1:02 All right. 1:02 and 6 women punched. 1:03 The man just flat out loves to drink. 1:05 That's right. 1:05 We've got some footage of him from a 2005 Packers victory. Let's take a look. 1:09 Go Pack, go! Go Pack, go! Go Pack, go! 1:14 I remember that game. He was a monster. 1:16 That's right. 1:16 He's really the last man standing from that incredible drinking class of 1974. 1:20 Those were a great group of drinkers. 1:21 Now, Lukowski never drank as much as Brian Pardville. 1:23 Yeah, where's Pardville now? 1:24 All right. 1:24 He's in an AA meeting getting his 5-year sober chip. Lukowski's still sitting in front of his TV, drinking his weight in beer week after week. 1:31 Can he keep up this high level of play? 1:32 Of course he can. 1:33 He's a far cry from the 97 Lukowski we all knew and loved, who celebrated the Packers Super Bowl victory by falling face first into his backyard barbecue and then being unable to remember why he had grill marks on his face the next day. 1:43 Look, let me tell you, the man has got good form, and he's been drinking straight through the off season. 1:46 Just last Thanksgiving, he awkwardly groped his son's 14-year-old girlfriend 1:49 All right. 1:50 and then threatened to kill himself by jumping off the roof of their ranch house. 1:52 Wow. It's time for the final sweat. I'm a little bit worried about you. 1:55 Well, your concern is insulting. 1:57 Very well. Chris Lakowski's time on this earth is limited. Who's the future of drinking? 2:02 I wouldn't look any further than the Lakowski household. 2:04 Wow. 2:05 Alex Lakowski has shown a tremendous potential for drinking since age 3, when his father poured beer in his bottle to keep him quiet during the game. 2:11 He's already accomplished so much at such a young age, 2:13 That's already 2:14 wasted out of his mind for his job at Gumby's Pizza, 2:16 Absolutely. 2:16 losing his tooth in somebody's milkshake and routinely peeing blood. 2:19 He's got the best coach there is. 2:21 Incredible. 2:21 If the Packers are still playing, this kid will be drinking. 2:23 He's got a real future. 2:24 Marcus Kelly, I can't tell if we've survived the steam room or died and gone to some sort of warm, steamy purgatory. 2:29 Either way, it's been an honor, Tim. 2:33 Thanks, guys. You will live forever in our steamy memories. Moving on, the Milwaukee Brewers Polish sausage has admitted to steroid use and sausage race fixing. 
