1.4K views Dec 2008
Santa asks Congress for a $25 billion bailout, blaming costly toy demands and elf union pensions, while lawmakers question his finances and Christmas plans.
0:04 So you, I mean, this is an interesting way to negotiate a loan, wouldn't you say? 0:09 I mean, I- 0:11 I- 0:11 You- w- you're asking us to be your lender. You're asking the United States of America to be your lender. 0:16 I'm just saying. 0:17 Uh, we need financial aid, and we need it now, or else Christmas as we know it flat out will not happen. 0:23 How much? 0:24 Well, uh, that's the tricky part. What really gets us into this position was the tech gift these kids want now. 0:32 You really think a bunch of elves who are used to whittling baseball bats can reverse engineer an iPod, figure it out, and then build 700 million of them? 0:40 I don't quite understand what the hell you just told me. Can you just tell me in absolute terms, how much money do you need to survive? 0:47 Oh, Jesus Christ, you know, he asked me to do one thing. 0:51 Uh, uh, 20, 25 billion. 0:54 Okay. Uh, 25 billion dollars, Mr. Chairman. 0:57 How did you reach the 25 billion figure for this particular request? 1:02 Uh, we account for an average of, uh, 5 and a half gifts per child per household, and then double that if the parents miss a, uh, pop one, a football game or two. 1:11 Why 25 billion? 1:14 I mean, why not 26? 1:16 Right. Well, I personally would feel awkward asking for 26 billion dollars. 1:21 That would be ridiculous, but 25 billion really is quite reasonable. 1:25 When you mentioned the union side, will that mean what, pensions? 1:30 Now, I try to argue that the workers who can't die and thus won't retire shouldn't have pensions, but breaking the ELF union is like eating a glass sandwich. 1:39 The only time I ever get a break is if one of my long-tenured toy makers falls into a smelting machine, and I can replace him at a base rate. 1:47 Hey. 1:48 It's just I'm 1:49 There's a, uh, 1:50 back to the business. 1:50 A delicious irony 1:53 in seeing private luxury jets flying in to Washington, D.C. 2:00 Sir, I take a sled to work every single day, every single year, and that thing couldn't be greener if it ran on soybeans and baby farts. 2:09 I would hope that you would respond for the record whether you expect to get any bailout money from Ottawa or Mexico City. 2:16 I would like to show you something, sir. Um, I have a list of, uh, Christmas requests, um, from Mexico, from boys and girls in Mexico here. 2:30 Football, football, football, clean water for the Tijuana drug cartel to return my little brother. 2:40 I mean, these are simple things, gentlemen. These are simple things. 2:44 Do you know what your son has requested for this Christmas? 2:51 He wants a 52-inch plasma TV screen. Sure, that'll be easy to make. 2:57 2 Xboxes. Yeah, why not? An owl robot, a luxury box at FedEx Field, a flying Audi, a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother. 3:07 He wants his own letter of the alphabet, and he wants for Subway to stop the 5 dollar footlong ads. 3:12 Sir, I mean, this is insanity. I mean, it it used to be, you know, a baseball mitt and a puppy. 3:20 Now it's gold-plated UGG boots. It's killing us up there, sir. 3:23 It's killing us up there. 3:24 It's been intimated here that if you don't get this money, then you would file for bankruptcy. 3:29 Um, so what are your state, what's the state of your preparations for bankruptcy? 3:35 Sir, I think we can all agree that bankruptcy would be unacceptable. 3:41 I mean, when you consider the Santa story is grounded on my wedging myself down every chimney in the world in one night, it's already kind of stretching the believability department, 3:51 and if you throw in the fact that Santa has filed for bankruptcy, I mean, we're going to lose 60 to 70% of our total belief numbers worldwide. 4:01 Suddenly, no one believes in Santa Claus, and they start asking mom and dad why they sleep in separate beds. 4:08 There's 7 seconds left for the response. 4:10 You want to throw me out? Throw me out. I hope you can return your tree, because I'm not going to put anything under it, except maybe some elf duck. 4:17 Try getting that out of your carpet. It's like napalm. 4:21 The hearing is now, uh, ready to move on to the next phase. The witnesses are excused. 
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