1.4K views Dec 2008
Santa asks Congress for a $25 billion bailout, blaming costly toy demands and elf union pensions, while lawmakers question his finances and Christmas plans.
0:04 So you, I mean, this is an interesting way to negotiate a loan, wouldn't you say? 0:09 I mean, I- 0:11 I- 0:11 You- w- you're asking us to be your lender. You're asking the United States of America to be your lender. I'm just saying. 0:17 Uh, we need financial aid, and we need it now, or else Christmas as we know it flat out will not happen. 0:23 How much? 0:24 Well, uh, that's the tricky part. What really gets us into this position was the tech gift these kids want now. You really think a bunch of elves who are used to whittling baseball bats can reverse engineer an iPod, figure it out, and then build 700 million of them? 0:40 I don't quite understand what the hell you just told me. Can you just tell me in absolute terms, how much money do you need to survive? 0:47 Oh, Jesus Christ, you know, he asked me to do one thing. 0:51 Uh, uh, 20, 25 billion. 0:54 Okay. 0:54 Uh, 25 billion dollars, Mr. Chairman. 0:57 How did you reach the 25 billion figure for this particular request? 1:02 Uh, we account for an average of, uh, 5 and a half gifts per child per household, and then double that if the parents miss a, uh, pop one, a football game or two. 1:11 Why 25 billion? I mean, why not 26? 1:16 Right. Well, I personally would feel awkward asking for 26 billion dollars. That would be ridiculous, but 25 billion really is quite reasonable. 1:25 When you mentioned the union side, will that mean what, pensions? 1:30 Now, I try to argue that the workers who can't die and thus won't retire shouldn't have pensions, but breaking the ELF union is like eating a glass sandwich. The only time I ever get a break is if one of my long-tenured toy makers falls into a smelting machine, and I can replace him at a base rate. 1:47 Hey. 1:48 It's just I'm 1:49 There's a, uh, 1:50 back to the business. 1:50 A delicious irony in seeing private luxury jets flying in to Washington, D.C. 2:00 Sir, I take a sled to work every single day, every single year, and that thing couldn't be greener if it ran on soybeans and baby farts. 2:09 I would hope that you would respond for the record whether you expect to get any bailout money from Ottawa or Mexico City. 2:16 I would like to show you something, sir. Um, I have a list of, uh, Christmas requests, um, from Mexico, from boys and girls in Mexico here. Football, football, football, clean water for the Tijuana drug cartel to return my little brother. I mean, these are simple things, gentlemen. These are simple things. Do you know what your son has requested for this Christmas? He wants a 52-inch plasma TV screen. Sure, that'll be easy to make. 2 Xboxes. Yeah, why not? An owl robot, a luxury box at FedEx Field, a flying Audi, a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother. He wants his own letter of the alphabet, and he wants for Subway to stop the 5 dollar footlong ads. Sir, I mean, this is insanity. I mean, it it used to be, you know, a baseball mitt and a puppy. Now it's gold-plated UGG boots. It's killing us up there, sir. It's killing us up there. 3:24 It's been intimated here that if you don't get this money, then you would file for bankruptcy. Um, so what are your state, what's the state of your preparations for bankruptcy? 3:35 Sir, I think we can all agree that bankruptcy would be unacceptable. I mean, when you consider the Santa story is grounded on my wedging myself down every chimney in the world in one night, it's already kind of stretching the believability department, and if you throw in the fact that Santa has filed for bankruptcy, I mean, we're going to lose 60 to 70% of our total belief numbers worldwide. Suddenly, no one believes in Santa Claus, and they start asking mom and dad why they sleep in separate beds. 4:08 There's 7 seconds left for the response. 4:10 You want to throw me out? Throw me out. I hope you can return your tree, because I'm not going to put anything under it, except maybe some elf duck. Try getting that out of your carpet. It's like napalm. 4:21 The hearing is now, uh, ready to move on to the next phase. The witnesses are excused. 
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