1.3K views Mar 2009
A self-defense instructor teaches students how to fight fruit-wielding attackers, shooting one man and proposing tigers, crocodiles, and a 16-ton weight.
0:00 So, 0:02 leaving course? 0:03 Leaving. 0:04 Where's all the others then? 0:05 Not here. 0:06 I can see that. What's the matter with them? 0:09 Don't know. Perhaps they've got flu. 0:11 Flu? Flu? Maybe eating too much fresh fruit. Right, now, self-defense. 0:18 Tonight I should be carrying on from where I got to last week, when I was showing you how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit. 0:29 You promised we wouldn't do fruit this week. 0:31 What do you mean? 0:32 Well, we've done fresh fruit for the last 9 weeks. 0:34 What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it already? 0:37 Can't we do something else for a change? 0:38 Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick? 0:41 Pointed sticks? Oh, oh, oh, we want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? 0:49 Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? 0:53 Oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, I'll tell you something, my lad. When you're all walking home tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me. 1:06 Right, the passion fruit. When the old sailor lunges at you with the passion fruit, thus. 1:12 We've done the passion fruit. 1:14 What? 1:15 We've done the passion fruit. 1:17 We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit. 1:19 All and segments. 1:20 Pomegranates, green gauges. 1:22 Grapes, passion fruits. 1:24 Lemons. 1:24 Plums. 1:25 Yeah, and mangoes in syrup. 1:27 How about cherries? 1:28 We done that. 1:29 Red and black? 1:30 Yes. 1:32 All right then. Bananas! 1:35 Oh. 1:35 We haven't done them, have we? 1:37 No. 1:37 Right, bananas! How do you defend yourself against a man armed with a banana? 1:43 Yeah, you take this. Now it's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend. 1:50 First of all, you force him to drop the banana. Next, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. 1:58 You have now rendered him helpless. 2:00 Suppose he's got a bunch. 2:02 Shut up! 2:03 Suppose he's got a pointed stick. 2:05 Shut up! Right now, you, Mr. Atacorn. 2:08 Harrison. 2:09 Oh, so Mr. Harrison, come to me with that banana, and come on, attack me with it as hard as you like. 2:13 Come on, come- no, no, no, no, no. Put something into it, for God's sake! 2:19 Hold it like that! Scream! Now come on, come on, attack me! Come on, come on, come on! 2:30 No! Now! 2:35 Now I eat the banana. 2:38 Dead. 2:38 You shot him. 2:39 He's completely dead. 2:41 You shot him. 2:47 I have now eaten the banana. The deceased Mr. Apricot is now disarmed. 2:53 You shot him. You shot him dead. 2:56 Well, he was attacking me with a banana. 2:58 Well, you told him to. 2:59 No, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourself against fresh fruit. 3:04 And pointed sticks. 3:05 Shut up! 3:06 Supposing someone come at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun. 3:10 Run for it. 3:11 Well, you could stand, you could stand and scream for help. 3:13 Yeah, yeah, you try it with a pineapple down your windpipe. 3:17 Pineapple? 3:17 Where? Where? Where? 3:19 Nowhere, I was just saying pineapple. 3:20 Oh, blood, I thought my number was on that one. 3:22 What, on the pineapple? 3:23 Where? Where? 3:24 No, no, just eating it. 3:25 Oh, I see, right. Oh, all right, that's the banana then. Next, the raspberry. 3:32 Ah, that's not even singing it. Ah, you, Mr. King Pete. 3:36 Thompson. 3:36 Mr. Thompson. Come me with that raspberry and come on, be as vicious as you like with it. 3:41 No. 3:41 Why not? 3:42 You'll shoot me. 3:43 I won't. 3:44 Well, you shot Mr. Harrison. 3:45 That was self-defense. Come on, I promise I won't shoot you. 3:49 You promise you tell us about pointed sticks? 3:51 Shut up! Now, brandish that, brandish that raspberry. Come on, be as vicious as you like with it. 3:57 Come on. 3:58 Now, throw the gun away. 3:59 I haven't got a gun. 4:00 Oh, yes, you have. 4:01 I haven't. 4:02 You have. You shot Mr. Harrison with it. 4:04 Oh, that gun. 4:06 Throw it away. 4:07 All right. How did you defend yourself against a raspberry without a gun? 4:13 You were going to shoot me. 4:14 I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't. 4:16 I wasn't, I wasn't. 4:16 Come on, come on, you worm. You miserable little man, come at me then. 4:21 Come on, do your worst, you worm. 4:27 If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, simply pull the lever and the 16 ton weight will drop on his head. 4:36 I learned that in Malaya. 4:37 Suppose you haven't got the 16 ton weight? 4:40 Well, that's planning, isn't it? Full thought. 4:43 Well, how many 16 ton weights are there? 4:45 Look, look, smarty pants. The 16 ton weight is just one way, just one way of killing the raspberry killer. 4:56 There are millions of others. 4:57 Like what? 4:59 Shoot him. Well, supposing you haven't got a gun or a 16. 5:03 All right, clever dick. All right, clever dick. You two, tell me with raspberries. 5:08 They are all basket each. Come on, tell me with them then. 5:11 No gun? 5:12 No. 5:13 No 16 ton weight? 5:14 No. 5:15 No pointed stick? 5:16 Shut up. 5:16 No rocks up in the ceiling? 5:18 No. 5:19 You won't kill us? 5:20 I won't kill you. 5:21 Promise? 5:22 I promise I won't kill you. Now, you gonna attack me? 5:25 All right. 5:26 Right. Now don't rush me this time. I'm gonna turn me back so you can stalk me, right? 5:32 Come up as quietly as you can, right close up behind me, then in with the raspberries, right? 5:38 Start moving. Now, the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries is to release the tiger. 5:50 The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe, but also the raspberries. 5:58 The tiger, however, does not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. 6:05 Right, now the rest of you, I know you're there, lurking under the floorboards with your damsons and your prunes, hiding behind the war bars with your quinces. 6:15 Well, I'm ready for you. I'm wearing myself out for 200 tons of jelly night, and if any of you so much as tries anything, we'll all go up to you. 6:25 I warned you! I warned you, right, that's it. 
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