Video player not working?0:000:000:00SettingsQualityAutoAudioSpeed1×CaptionsOffLouis Ck Talks About The Saddest HandjobDula TVFunny videos since 2008Thumbs up0Thumbs down0 Share2.5K views Oct 2009Louis C.K. describes a painfully awkward hand job from his wife, turning the scene into a stand-up routine about marriage, sex, and frustration. Show transcript0:02My, um, my wife gave me a hand job, uh, the other day, and, uh, I gotta tell you that I think that that hand job was probably the saddest thing that ever happened in America.0:12It really was the saddest fucking thing, that hand job was so tragic.0:18There should be like a monument to that hand job with a reflecting pool where you just sit and think, God, that was fucking sad, and you...0:27a little thing where you put rocks on it and think about it, and you know.0:35Here's what happened. I- I'm gonna tell you about this hand job.0:37Um, my wife and I were home in the middle of the day. Uh, the, the baby was asleep on our bed.0:44The 4-year-old is wherever the fuck she goes all day. And, um...0:51My wife and I are sitting on the couch, just sitting there, just fucking married on the couch, you know, just...0:58And my wife looked at me, and I don't know where she got this sort of sense that I was in a, she said something like, hey, we have to go to that thing for the, and I was like, oh, who gives a shit?1:06Like, I don't know what it was that tipped her off that I was starting to feel real bad.1:09Here's the thing, is that as far as sex, for guys, it's just not comp- we just need to release, that's all it is.1:13We just, we just need it. Women, it's like a fucking emotional thing where they, they need, we need to come just because we need to.1:19Women, it's like they get into it, they shiver, and then they lie on their side and cry after and all that kind of shit.1:25But but for guys, it's just something that we need to do so that we won't murder people.1:29That's all it is, really.1:33Just maintenance. Open the fucking valve once in a while, please.1:37The city should put a red tag on the dick that has a PSI level that's unacceptable.1:47And my wife always waits till it's fucking way, like, till it's critical.1:50She lets it go so long until finally we're sitting on the couch and she looks at me like, okay, we're gonna all be in the paper tomorrow if I don't fucking do something.1:58So...2:02She doesn't want to fuck me, she doesn't want to blow me, so she looks at me, she goes, well, would you like a hand job?2:12And I'm like, uh, yeah, that sounds awesome.2:20So we go upstairs to my daughter's room because it's the only empty room in the house.2:24Hey, you know what? Fuck you, I paid a rent. I'll shit on her bed if I want to.2:27Seriously, let me have a fucking hand job in my house. It's all I get.2:36It's not me. She won't jerk me off in the living room because there's too much nice shit I'm not allowed to come on.2:40That's the whole thing. I don't even get to enjoy my orgasm because the second I'm coming, she's pointing my dick away from stuff.2:46Ew, ow, careful.2:49She points it into my belly button, like, make it go back in there.2:51Can it go back in?3:02All right, so I'm lying on the floor in my daughter's room, looking up at the mobile of fucking ducks and airplanes.3:10What does a fucking duck need with an airplane?3:14What does a baby give a shit?3:17So I'm laying there on the floor, and my wife is just sitting next to me, just in her bathrobe, just like.3:52And weirdly, I'm not getting off on this. The fucking woman grimacing and tugging on my penis dryly while basically reading People magazine at the same time.4:03It's not that I'm not getting off on it for some... It's, it's taken me a while to come, and she starts getting impatient.4:07She's like, come on, come on! Like yelling come on into my dick, seriously.4:16At one point, I, I wanted her to lick her palm. I got this idea, maybe if she licks her palm, there will be some semblance of something going on.4:24And, and so I had to, you got to approach asking for those things carefully.4:28You can't just go, hey, lick your palm like that, because that'll ruin whatever mood there already isn't.4:33So I go like, hey,4:38maybe you'd lick your palm, lick your palm, lick your palm. She's like, what?4:45Lick your palm, lick your palm, lick, lick your palm. She goes, what the fuck are you saying to me?4:53You know what she thought I said? She thought I said, you look like your mom.5:10So now I gotta get that out of my head. I'm trying to fucking, like, close my eyes and fantasize that she gives a shit.5:16Nothing's working. And finally she goes, hey, I'm getting really tired.5:20So you know what I did? I finally just took her hand in my hand, and I just jerked myself off with her hand.5:27She's like, oh, thank you, that's much easier that way. That has to be the lowest form of sex that's even fucking possible.5:36To just be jerking myself off with my tired wife's hand.5:45She might as well be dead at that point. Seriously, she might as well be a fucking corpse.5:48I came home and found her dead, and fuck it, I'm getting one more before I call the police.5:52Just one more. Who's a hurting? I'm not hurting nobody. I'll call 911.5:56It's not getting any better.
1:44
8:16
2:40
3:42
2:42
7:10
6:00
2:50
1:59
2:45
2:45
3:38