1.9K views Sep 2009
In this satirical interview montage, people explain why they became Scientologists, praise its teachings and charity work, and make increasingly absurd claims.
0:03 I started becoming a Scientologist when I was around, like, 17, 18. 0:07 I'd say probably 5 years. 0:08 20 years. 0:09 I've been a Scientologist for about 7600 light years now. 0:12 I was attracted to Scientology really because friends of mine recommended it. 0:16 All my friends were like, you've never shrunk yourself to fit in a giraffe's kidney and then played Clue? 0:20 I wanted to find out more. 0:22 People are so curious. It's amazing. 0:24 People just took the time to ask, you know, does putting your dick in a collapsed star feel as good as fucking Saturn's ring? 0:29 I'd be like, yes, what else do you want to know? 0:32 Once they see it, they actually be like, oh, psychology, that's, I didn't know it was like that. 0:36 I thought it was something else. And you're like, yeah, it's not. 0:38 It just helps you. That's all it does. That's what it's there for. 0:41 It's just mashed potatoes, but they're not mashed and they're not potatoes, but, you know, it's just 0:45 It's learning more about yourself and about the world and just making it so it makes more and more sense. 0:50 It just gives you a lot of knowledge and certainty in what you're doing. 0:52 It teaches you why your heart is an alien testicle pumping space cum through your veins. 0:57 It's an amazing toolbox. 0:59 He was walking around going, oh my gosh, oh my god, how did you do that? 1:02 How did you do that? 1:03 And he was blown away. He was going like, what did, what just happened? 1:06 He's like, how did you make my rectum start quoting Garden State? 1:10 And I'm like, because I know ghost magic. 1:13 You're helping someone with something that they never, ever, ever thought they would fix. 1:18 It's just doing the right thing, basically. 1:20 It's sculpting people's poop into voodoo dolls of the members of the Goo Goo Dolls. 1:24 Being a Scientologist is basically being someone who helps. 1:28 Pretty much any natural disaster that happens, there are Scientologists that are helping. 1:31 You know, 9/11, the tsunami. 1:33 We were in downtown New Orleans. 1:35 It's just so easy to say, oh, someone else will summon the seven dragons of reggae, but, you know, if I don't, who will? 1:41 Just helping, like, the soldiers who were there and getting... 1:44 who hadn't slept in 2 weeks. 1:46 You know, and I wasn't just standing there looking or gaping. 1:48 I was murdering dolphins with my bare hands for their delicious pancreases. 1:52 It's one of the most rewarding things that you can do. 1:55 You use your own integrity, and what you believe is what you believe. 1:58 Whatever is true for you is true for you. 2:00 I believe that my lungs are made of the scrotum of Xenu, and the air I breathe is his semen. 2:05 I think everybody has the right to decide for themselves and actually believe what makes sense and helps them through life. 2:11 We're, I mean, we're young, we go to the movies, we, you know, we study Scientology. 2:15 I'm doing blow and I'm going to raise because I'm young, but I'm still learning that my virgin tears are a delicacy on Pluto. 2:20 This, this is our religion. 2:22 Yeah. 2:22 It, that's what I am. I am a Scientologist. 2:24 I am a Scientologist. 2:25 I'm a Scientologist. 2:26 I'm a Scientologist. 2:27 I'm the reincarnation of a wolf that's a reincarnation of Chris Farley, and I'm a Scientologist. 
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